Most modern families have both parents working and as a result children spend less time with their parents. What is the reason? What problems can this cause?
Nowadays,
children
have more often their parents
working, resulting in a significant drop of
Change preposition
in
time
together. The reasons are multiple, to begin
with, jobs become more exigent in terms of hours and schedules. On top of that, the economy has become harder, therefore
, in order to maintain a nice lifestyle, parents
prefer to work
. Finally
, currently, the world is more equitable, and as a result
, both parents
want to build a professional career. This
change is generating negative impacts on the children
's growth. For example
, as the parents
are not as present as they used to be, children
have no control over their diet and the consumption of video games
.
Firstly
, is important to analyze the causes of the drop in the time
at home of the parents
. To begin
with, currently, every job is requiring
more from their employees, people who used to Wrong verb form
requires
work
8 hours per day, probably are spending 10 hours or even more. The second reason is that the economy is getting harder, and people who want to keep their lifestyles should work
extra in order to afford it. Last
but not least, nowadays, the world is more equitable, therefore
, both parents
, whitout
Correct your spelling
without
care
Replace the word
caring
in
Change preposition
about
the
gender, want to build a professional career and achieve success, resulting in extra efforts at Correct article usage
apply
work
to get it. For example
, research concluded that currently, American women increased 30% of their time
at work
due to
their personal ambitions.
As this
essay mentioned before, this
change is impacting negatively children
's care. Kids are spending to
much Correct your spelling
too
time
alone at home, therefore
, diets are not under control and neither video
Add a missing verb
is video
games
. While
parents
are working, children
could finish studying at school and start to play video games
, which is more than understandable as they are bored, however
, this
early access to computer games
is increasing the access to violent scenes as well impacting
Correct word choice
as impacting
in
Change preposition
apply
children
behaviours. Change noun form
children's
For instance
, in Argentina, parents
used to buy a PlayStation to keep their children
entertained, however
, even though seems a great solution, is not. Children
become more violent at school due to
this
early access to games
such
as GTA and Call of Duty.
In conclusion, the reasons are multiple, however
, this
essay would like to highlight that the impacts on children
are negative, and society should pay more attention to them.Submitted by tomasmutilva99 on
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coherence cohesion
To strengthen coherence and cohesion, aim to use more varied linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repetitively using 'to begin with' and 'on top of that,' try using synonyms or different transitional phrases to introduce new points.
task achievement
In terms of the task response, ensure to fully elaborate on every argument presented. Some points, such as the impact of parents working on children's diet, were mentioned but not fully developed. Providing more detailed examples would enhance the response.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing the key points.
task achievement
The essay successfully identifies multiple reasons for the issue and attempts to explain the impact on children, showing a good understanding of the task requirements.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.
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