IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. 🔸What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #🔸what #message
These
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
 children have a lot of screen time that
effect
Verb problem
affects
show examples
 their reading and writing skills.
This
 essay completely agrees with that statement. I believe the parents
concerned
Add a missing verb
are concerned
show examples
 about their children forgetting their expertise by playing video games or watching videos. Young people spend a lot of time playing video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 like
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 PlayStation or
xbox
Change the capitalization
Xbox
show examples
. They don’t practice
to read
Change the verb form
reading
show examples
 or
write so
Wrong verb form
writing
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
so they
show examples
 lose
this
 knowledge. Because of the lack of time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 him. For that reason, They must arrange their schedules.
Moreover
, Parents should force him to study at least one hour a day. Plus, tell them
this
important
Add a missing verb
is important
show examples
 to their future.
This
 happened to my cousin. He used to game on the
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
 throughout the day.
As a result
, he
misremember
Change the verb form
misremembers
show examples
 the essential ability. Teenagers using mobile devices to view content on
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
,
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
 and Netflix. They just listen and see, don’t study or record anything.
Therefore
, An adult can tell them to record what they observe to practice. In
adition
Correct your spelling
addition
, make them review the novel of the series , it’s more interesting. I am an example of
this
 myself. I am a junkie series,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 view
espiodes
Correct your spelling
episodes
 daily . In that case,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 fail to remember the
spiling
Correct your spelling
spelling
show examples
 of ordinary words or how to structure sentences correctly. In conclusion, children consume
daytime
Correct pronoun usage
their daytime
show examples
 Utilizing
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 by playing games or watching video
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 affect
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 reading and writing
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
Submitted by ananalmahyawi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure your essay stays focused on the specific question, more thoroughly addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of the idea presented.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using a clearer structure with topic sentences and linking phrases.
general
Proofread to correct minor language mistakes, such as misspellings and grammar errors, to enhance clarity and professionalism in writing.
general
Provides relevant examples to support key points.
task response
Uses personal experience to explain ideas, making the essay more relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: