IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people learn more about good behaviour from books or films/ movies than they learn from real-life experiences. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #behaviour #books #films #movies #experiences
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Young
people
Use synonyms
 learn more from books or
films
Use synonyms
/ movies about good
behaviour
Use synonyms
 rather than they learn from
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
real-life experiences. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 I partially agree because both
of
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apply
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ways have different impacts. On the one hand,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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good
behave
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behaviour
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could
Wrong verb form
can
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 be learned in some media nowadays because technology is famous and often
using
Wrong verb form
used
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for
Change preposition
by
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 many
people
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in
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apply
show examples
worldwide, especially teenagers. They can learn anything
what
Change the word
that
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 they need to make their life more valuable.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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motivation
Replace the word
motivational
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 books,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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tells
Correct subject-verb agreement
tell
show examples
Add an article
the reader
a reader
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reader
Fix the agreement mistake
readers
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 how to
maintenance
Replace the word
maintain
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our
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 mindset and mood in
stable
Correct article usage
a stable
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 mode.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is
use full
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useful
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 for teenagers to make their mood always positive.
In addition
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, there are other media information
provide
Wrong verb form
provided
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 for young
people
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 related to
behaviour
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,
such
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 as
films
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. There are different
title
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titles
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 of
films
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 that improve the
behaviour
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 of
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
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people
Use synonyms
.
Benefit
Add an article
The benefit
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 of learning something from
Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
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 film,
for instance
Linking Words
, the movie
shows
Verb problem
is
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about
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apply
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a boy who always
struggle
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struggles
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of
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with
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 their life until he can reach some achievements. Automatically, for teenagers, when they watch the movie, they will know about the message from
contents
Correct article usage
the contents
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 of that. So that’s why the youngest
prefer
Add the particle
prefer to
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 learn attitude from
films
Use synonyms
 than real-life experiences.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the young person must
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
of
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that
show examples
behaviour
Use synonyms
 is good
learn
Add the particle
to learn
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 from some experiences, particularly from adult
people
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. Commonly, elderly
people
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 have more
story
Fix the agreement mistake
stories
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 related to
behave
Replace the word
behaviour
show examples
. For
this
Linking Words
, old
people
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 share
story
Fix the agreement mistake
stories
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 with young
people
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, to make
understand
Correct pronoun usage
them understand
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 each other.
However
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 situation is a difficult moment to find both young and old
people
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
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, I do believe that positive
manner
Fix the agreement mistake
manners
show examples
 can be learned by young
people
Use synonyms
 from books or
films
Use synonyms
 and
real-life
Correct your spelling
real life
show examples
. Eventually,
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
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 from media technology
more
Add a missing verb
be more
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 popular and
find
Verb problem
apply
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easy
to
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for
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young
Add an article
the young
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 generation.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Response
Ensure a clear, concise position in the introduction. The opening sentence is somewhat convoluted and can be made sharper.
Task Response
The essay introduces main points, but they are not clearly elaborated. Develop each point further with detailed examples and explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to use linking words and phrases effectively to guide the reader through your argument. Words like 'however,' 'moreover,' and 'therefore' are useful but should be placed appropriately.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay tends to deviate from the main argument at times. Make sure every sentence contributes to your central thesis.
Task Response
The essay acknowledges both sides of the argument, which is good for task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in structuring the response.
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