There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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These days, it is argued that young

adults

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should not be studying non-traditional

subjects

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such

Linking Words

as sports and cooking

classes

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instead

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they should focus on more academic courses. I agree to some extent that young

adults

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should focus on academic

subjects

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, but the importance of non-traditional

subjects

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should not be ignored.

Firstly

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, academic

subjects

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prepare

children

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to think and behave critically.

Subjects

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such

Linking Words

as maths and science enable them to learn the necessary skills needed to attain

high paying

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high-paying

show examples

jobs. I believe that learning maths helped me to become a good accountant because I learnt vital concepts that

was

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were

show examples

necessary for the role I was assigned to.

Secondly

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, studying traditional

subjects

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is seen as advantageous when applying to university.

For instance

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, my old classmates were able to get into higher education faster than other friends who studied non-traditional courses.

This

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shows how important it is for

children

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to solely focus on important

subjects

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that will help them in the future.

On the other hand

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, cooking

classes

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teaches

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teach

show examples

children

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how to eat healthily. These

classes

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equip

children

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with the necessary skills and tools needed to cook nutritious meals.

For example

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, studies have shown that

children

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who took cooking lessons in school had a lower BMI and

less

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fewer

show examples

health problems.

This

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demonstrates how critical it is to include non-traditional

subject

Fix the agreement mistake

subjects

show examples

in the school syllabus because it would teach

children

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how to cook healthy meals.

In addition

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, physical education has the same health benefits as cooking

classes

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. Young

adults

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who participate in

sport

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sports

show examples

activities will be healthier and fitter which would have long-term benefits.

To conclude

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, I believe that both traditional and non-traditional

subjects

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should be included in the school syllabus. Academic

subjects

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are crucial for young

adults

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but should not be considered superior to non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

mraha409Thu Jun 27 2024

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task achievement

While the essay provides a balanced argument, it would benefit from more detailed examples and a deeper exploration of each side of the argument. Incorporating more specific examples would strengthen your points.

coherence cohesion

The essay's structure is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, improving the logical flow between points will enhance overall cohesion. For instance, using more linking words and phrases can make the transition between ideas smoother.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, outlining the main points and summarizing the argument effectively.

task achievement

Relevant and specific examples are provided, which help to illustrate the points made in the essay.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

294 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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