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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that competitive sports are important for a child education, others think that it has negative effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #child #education #effects
One of the premises for
sustainable
Correct article usage
the sustainable
show examples
 development of
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 is sports education. But opinions about
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
 have divided. Some people believe that we should develop a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 individualism and encourage
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
participation in
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 contests,
while
 others adhere to the contrary opinion.
This
 social problem will be devoted
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
 essay.
To begin
 with the first point of view. Competitions foster
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
children
, it is an incentive to overtake their rivals and become the best. It improves
effectiveness
Add an article
the effectiveness
show examples
 of
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
.
And
Correct word choice
Also
show examples
also
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 approach upgrades a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 temper and teaches
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
him to
her to
show examples
 cope with
life
Change noun form
life's
show examples
difficults
Correct your spelling
difficulties
difficult
.
For example
, the personnel struggle in
domain
Add an article
the domain
show examples
 of their occupation. To continue with the second point of view. The first approach inhibits
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 and it can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 the future job or weak result of
sports
Add an article
a sports
the sports
show examples
 team.
Besides
, not all
children
 are capable of hard level of workouts
thus
 they can desire a victory, train too assiduously, and get a serious trauma
hence
to ruin
Change the verb form
ruining
show examples
 their health and sports career. Quite the contrary, collective consciousness is a way to harmonious
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
,
common
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the common
a common
show examples
 cause is higher than
single
Correct article usage
a single
show examples
 person's benefits
whereas
 competitions teach
children
 to think only about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private success.
Moreover
, if
children
 will succeed in
child
 tournaments
then
 they can lose a stimulus for development in the future. In conclusion, I am rather a proponent of
this
 first position.
Trainings
Change the wording
Training
Pieces of training
show examples
 without competition are
interested
Replace the word
interesting
show examples
 not all
children
, they want to get a proximate
purport
Correct your spelling
purpose
show examples
.
Nevertheless
,
children
 should relate
simplier
Correct your spelling
simply
 to contests and respect their peers.
Submitted by andreidiakov2100 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is somewhat clear but could be made more concise. Rephrasing to eliminate repetition can improve clarity.
task achievement
While some main points are supported, they lack depth and there are instances where ideas are repeated. It's important to present detailed explanations and examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points and present a definitive stand on the issue. Your conclusion slightly trails off without a strong reaffirmation of your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to avoid redundancy and improve readability.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach towards task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, demonstrating an understanding of essay structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • **Positive Aspects Vocabulary:**
  • Teamwork, cooperation, community, discipline, time management, physical health, combat obesity, resilience, coping skills, self-esteem, confidence, well-being
  • **Negative Aspects Vocabulary:**
  • Pressure, stress, anxiety, detrimental impact, time commitment, academic pursuits, risk of injury, severe injuries, unhealthy competition, aggression, unsportsmanlike behavior, burnout, lose interest, motivation
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