IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of the government to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #responsibility #government
These days
childhood
obesity
 is a burden not only to an individual but to a nation.
This
 has generated an argument where some people suggest national authorities should be responsible for curbing
childhood
obesity
. I agree with
this
. On the one hand, proponents of the point that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take responsibility to solve the issue regarding
childhood
obesity
standby
Correct your spelling
stand
show examples
this
 because the future consequence is
reduced
Correct article usage
a reduced
show examples
 labour force in a
country
.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that
children
 are the future of the world. Persons in the overweight category will definitely develop cardiovascular diseases and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 complications.
For example
 stroke, diabetes and heart attack.
Therefore
, a child who grows into an unhealthy adult may not be capable
to learn
Change preposition
of learning
show examples
 a skilled job and
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 taxes as a citizen
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 his or her
country
.
Also
, governing bodies will be burdened to channel funds to the health sector to treat diseases. It is common knowledge that most disease conditions recorded at various hospitals
results
Correct subject-verb agreement
result
show examples
 from people being overweight.
Hence
, more money will be required to expand wards to cater for the extra patients resulting from
obesity
. The outcome of
such
 is decreased national revenue for other important projects in the
country
. In view of these, I support the notion that the leaders of a
country
 should come up with solutions to deal with the issue of kids who are
obesed
Correct your spelling
obese
obsessed
.
However
, factors that lead to
children
 who are fat and not fit are very personal reasons
such
 as eating junk meals and reduced
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
. Parents should direct their kids to eat healthy
home-made
Correct your spelling
homemade
show examples
 meals and encourage them to exercise. These are very basic and may be difficult for the government to directly influence. To elaborate on
this
, a publication in the New York Times shows that
children
 who are overweight do not know the effects their lifestyle has on their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and will readily change their ways if taught what to do. Obviously educating
children
 to overcome
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 can be achieved by caretakers and school teachers.
To sum up
,
although
 there are various avenues to deal with
childhood
obesity
, I believe solutions by the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 will be the most effective in curbing the situation.
Submitted by nmaureen03 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay provides a clear argument supporting the role of government intervention in addressing childhood obesity, it would benefit from a more balanced discussion. Consider acknowledging counterarguments and refuting them for a comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For instance, 'child who grows into an unhealthy adult...', 'leaders of a country should come up with solutions...', and 'kids who are obesed.' Consider refining these sentences for clarity and correctness.
coherence cohesion
Some of your ideas are repeated and could be more succinct. Try to avoid redundancy and ensure each paragraph introduces a distinct point.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint, setting a solid foundation for the essay.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples such as referencing cardiovascular diseases and a publication from the New York Times to support your arguments, which strengthens your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, and you effectively sum up your points in the conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity epidemic
  • public health policies
  • nutritional education
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • healthcare costs
  • junk food advertisements
  • dietary habits
  • physical activity
  • grassroots movements
  • community initiatives
  • subsidies
  • socioeconomic status
  • holistic approach
  • government intervention
  • parental responsibility
What to do next:
Look at other essays: