IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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Studying has been one of the most crucial topics that has been inculcated generation by generation in order to achieve our goals. Many people argue that children should spend most of their time on academic purposes,
nevertheless
, I staunchly consider that leisure activities and socialization are vital topics which have to be taken into consideration. In
this
 essay, I will explain my reasons in detail. To start with, it is well-known that education is directly linked with acquiring knowledge and
tools
 to create more competitive profiles for working.
Therefore
, most parents give their youngsters the best educational
tools
 to reach ambitious targets.
As a consequence
 of
this
, currently, adolescents spend hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying and doing
academical
Replace the word
academic
show examples
 tasks.
Then
, sociologist researchers have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
proved that most high-school students are able to speak more than two languages
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 they have shown an
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
intereset
Correct your spelling
interest
 in all research fields.
For instance
, in Japan, students between 15 a 18 have founded research groups to create the most cutting-edge
tools
.
Conversely
, the term 'burn out' has become more popular to explain why people lack energy and their performances have
plummented
Correct your spelling
plummeted
.
This
 is explained mainly by the replacement of leisure activities for remote work.
Besides
, communities have forgotten the importance of spending quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time with their families and friends.
Consequently
, mental health diseases have rocketed given
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an ever-increasing prevalence of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, etc.
For example
,
although
 China is considered one the most import developed countries because of their
innovatives
Correct your spelling
innovative
technological
Replace the word
technology
show examples
, it has one of the
with
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apply
show examples
highest
Change the article
the highest
show examples
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 of suicides.
To sum up
, most parents desire their children to achieve competitive targets by giving them the best academic
tools
.
Nevertheless
, not only families but
also
 governors should recognize the crucial role of mental health in societies
as well as
 having free time in order to improve quality of life.
Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on

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task response
Strive to maintain consistency in tenses and improve the accuracy of specific terms. For example, terms such as 'academical tasks' should be corrected to 'academic tasks'.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, such as 'intereset' which should be 'interest' and 'import developed countries' which should be 'most important developed countries'. These small inaccuracies can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and make your writing more engaging.
task response
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative effects of spending long hours studying on children and society.
task response
Strong examples are provided to support each main point, such as the research groups in Japan and the high suicide rates in China, which make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both well-crafted, giving a clear starting point and summarizing your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea.
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