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Band 4.5

In the past most working people had only one job however now it is more and more people are having more than one job at the same time what are the reason for this development what are the advantage and disadvantage of having more than one job

#people #job #time #reason #development #advantage
The pattern of employment
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 changed dramatically
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 past
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
Add an article
an individual
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 used to be employed in one sector
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
show examples
 people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
holding multiple
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
 at a present
people are holding multiple
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
job
 at a present which can be which can make
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
show examples
 economical stable
however
 it can rain personal life and depression as
Add an article
an individual
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 are exposed to multiple
discipline
Change to a plural noun
disciplines
show examples
 of employment.
To begin
 with, the development of technology has provided
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 to be engaged in multiple
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
 at a
time
 which can be positive because it yields double
Correct article usage
the
show examples
salary in today's expensive world making the lively whood easier
for example
,
software
Add an article
the software
a software
show examples
 engineer who can
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
job
 at the same
time
 as they are not needed to be present physically in the office they only have to reply the mail and prepare the module necessary for the team towards full fillment of the project.
In contrast
being involve
Change the verb form
being involved
show examples
 in multiple
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
 can be economically
benefiting
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 but it can ruin personal, mental and physical health in a long in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term
for example
 health of
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
show examples
 employed in multiple
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
don't
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn't
show examples
 get free
time
 to spare with
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 and friends which can devistate the personal life in additional frequently being involve in word pressure can bring mental health of an employees which can be difficult to get back.
To conclude
 internet
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 helped
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 to
be involve
Change the verb form
be involved
show examples
 in multiple
job
Change to a plural noun
jobs
show examples
 at a
time
 which can be economically
benifiting
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 but can
vanish
Verb problem
affect
show examples
 mental and personal life which is difficult to achieve
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
again.
Submitted by piratijaiswal1992 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas within the paragraph flow logically. This will help improve the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more specific examples and evidence. This will make your arguments more convincing and comprehensive.
language use
Be careful with spelling, grammar, and word choice to improve clarity and readability. This will help convey your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the reasons for the development and the advantages and disadvantages of having more than one job, showing a good attempt to cover all parts of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay, providing a sense of closure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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