Some people think that the best way to be successful in life is to get a university education. Other disagree and say this is no longer true.
University
education
is often viewed as the pathway to success, however
some may agree and some may disagree. After a thorough consideration, though studying Add a comma
however,
in
Change preposition
at
the
Correct article usage
a
university
proffer
some benefits, the advantage of gaining Correct subject-verb agreement
proffers
experience
outside the university
should not be put down by any chance. This
essay will discuss both aspects in the following paragraphs.
On the one
hand, getting university
Correct article usage
a university
education
could be the door to better job opportunities and high salaries. For the aspects of the opportunities, having a higher level of educational attainment can provide highly-educated employees which
Correct pronoun usage
who
they
will be qualified for many leading companies in our world. To demonstrate, high-skilled positions require at least a bachelor’s Correct pronoun usage
apply
degree
in relevant fields. It is often seen that law firms have high requirements for the
lawyer recruitment, Correct article usage
apply
for
instance
Add a comma
instance,
the
law Correct article usage
a
degree
must be obtained. For
the fiscal aspect, Change preposition
From
to have
a Change the verb form
having
degree
from university
could be Correct article usage
a university
one
of the factors that help a person acquire jobs
and earn satisfying salaries. For example
, being a lawyer is one
of the jobs
that well-paid
for people who have a Add a missing verb
is well-paid
degree
.
On the other hand
, it seems to me that university
Correct article usage
a university
education
could no longer be needed for some jobs
that require experiences
, Fix the agreement mistake
experience
passion
and talent. It is inarguable that some jobs
that earn high salaries are based on professional experiences rather than a bachelor
Change noun form
bachelor's
degree
. Actor
is Replace the word
Acting
one
of jobs
that require Add an article
the jobs
experience
, and becoming well-known actors requires professionalism, not university
Correct article usage
a university
education
. Furthermore
, the
Correct article usage
apply
experience
in professional fields and passion
can lead to success. To elaborate, passion
is a key factor in achieving one
’s goal, people who work with passion
are more likely to be successful. This
means that without fine-education
from the university
people can still achieve their goal to be successful.
In conclusion, Add a comma
university,
while
it is true to say that the
Correct article usage
a
university
education
will provide some beneficial outcomes, in fact, I personally believe the external experience
will offer an immense number of advantages and opportunities.Submitted by pattaraporn.konj on
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task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets up the topic and states that you will discuss both sides. However, you might want to refine your opening sentence for better flow and clarity. An improved version could be: "While some view a university education as a guaranteed path to success, others believe that it is not necessarily the case."
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both sides of the debate. Great job in providing specific examples such as lawyers and actors. An area for improvement would be to add more specific examples or data for the arguments you present in the second body paragraph. This will make your points stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings in your essay. For example, "after a thorough consideration" could be improved to "after thorough consideration". Keeping your language clear and grammatical structures correct will help to enhance the readability and professionalism of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are well-organized and each has a clear focus. However, some of your transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, starting the second body paragraph with "It is inarguable" is a bit abrupt. Consider leading with a more transitional phrase like "On the other hand, it is important to note that..."
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with examples like positions in law firms and acting. However, adding a few more specific statistical facts or studies could make your argument even stronger and more credible.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which are essential components of a strong response. Well done!
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is quite strong. You effectively present your points and counterpoints in clearly defined paragraphs.
task achievement
Good job providing relevant specific examples such as the requirements for becoming a lawyer or an actor. These concrete examples help to bolster your arguments.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion by giving both the advantages of university education and the value of experience and passion in certain fields. This enriches your essay and shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?