IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree.

#children #exercise #responsibility #parents #schools #waste #school #time #sports #lessons #part #curriculum
There is no doubt that we live in a country which is more sophisticated so that not only parents but
also
 the government focus on their youth study curriculum. Some individuals believe that going in for physical
exercise
 is the duty of their parents after they leave
school
 wasting their
time
 doing useless things , not
school
 responsibility which causes wasting their precious
time
 doing
sports
 lessons. In the following paragraphs, both sides will be discussed and a final opinion will be reached .
To begin
 with, a number of schools have
such
 strict discipline which causes them to study very hard without any distractions
such
 as different
sports
 games , phones
as well as
 some sort of virtual video games.
This
 happens because adolescent have so much
time
 to accomplish their tasks
as well as
 learning languages and subjects working out
instead
.
For example
, unless
students
 can spend their
time
 doing physical
exercise
, squandering on the street and scrolling on the internet, it would diminish the falling rate among
students
 that graduate
school
.
On the other hand
, sport is key to a healthier lifestyle so it would be better for
school
students
 to attend various
sports
 clubs and gyms as their a part of study currently.
This
 is because doing physical
exercise
 is not only useful for their well-being but
also
 convenient for their mental issues.
However
, during the lesson, quite a few
students
 are bored , which causes to lack of strong passion for studying. In spite of the fact that it boasts their temper and contributes better lifestyle.
In addition
,
sports
 teach valuable life skills
for instance
 teamwork, leadership and discipline that are difficult to instil in purely academic settings. They are essential to becoming professional football players who need more techniques, strategic vision, healthy body and cooperating skills among their team members and peers .
For instance
, doing regular physical activity is crucial for preventing
school
 pupils' obesity and health issues.
To conclude
 some argue that ensuring regular physical
exercise
 for children should be the sole responsibility of the
school
 union , because of the fact that
sports
 lessons in the
school
 curriculum offer significant benefits
as well as
 as a reason which are mentioned above .
Submitted by chartakinnovation on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay discusses both sides of the argument, but could benefit from clearer and more logically structured paragraphs. Work on improving transitions between ideas to enhance readability. For example, using phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In contrast' can help.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion is a true summary of your arguments, reinforcing your stance clearly. Your conclusion somewhat veers off by mentioning 'as a reason which are mentioned above' without directly tying back to your main points.
task achievement
Provide more precise examples and elaborate slightly more on each point to thoroughly support your arguments. This will help to make your ideas clearer and more convincing.
task achievement
Aim to correct minor grammatical errors and refine sentence structures. Avoid run-on sentences to improve clarity and readability. For instance, instead of 'phones as well as some sort of virtual video games,' consider 'phones, virtual video games,' for better flow.
task response
You have made an effort to discuss both sides of the topic, which is essential for a balanced essay.
task response
The points raised regarding the importance of physical exercise for mental well-being and life skills are relevant and well-thought-out.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • structured environment
  • inclination
  • teamwork
  • sportsmanship
  • cooperation
  • academic time
  • intellectual development
  • after-school activities
  • relegated
  • family bond
  • supervised
  • well-being
  • equipment
  • expertise
  • professional physical education teachers
  • safe and beneficial
What to do next:
Look at other essays: