One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you yhink the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
One of the benefits of improving
health
care
is human
potentially get longevity Fix the agreement mistake
humans
also
the
Correct article usage
apply
life
expectancy will be
increase. Unnecessary verb
apply
People
and healthy
are something that really Replace the word
health
related
Wrong verb form
relate
one
another. In my opinion, I agree with Change preposition
to one
this
. Not only beneficial for the people
itself
but Correct pronoun usage
themselves
also
to who
love them, Correct pronoun usage
those who
such
as their family and friends.
When a country has a purpose to increase the
medical Correct article usage
apply
health
care
and try hard to improve the lifestyle of their citizens
, then
they can get a better life
. The
Change the word
Their
life
expectancy of
Change preposition
apply
them
can Correct pronoun usage
apply
assess is
Verb problem
be assessed
the
country Correct word choice
whether the
include
Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
to
Change preposition
apply
development
countries or advanced countries. Replace the word
developed
In addition
, a good life
of
the Change preposition
for
people
can be achieved. For example
, the first rank diseases
in Indonesia is Fix the agreement mistake
disease
diabete
and Correct your spelling
diabetes
by
improving Change preposition
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
health
care
it
will have Correct pronoun usage
apply
good
Correct article usage
a good
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
to tackle
the most dangerous disease. Change preposition
on tackling
Moreover
, the quality of the human who in
Add a missing verb
is in
a
good condition could give their best performance at work or school.
Correct article usage
apply
Subsequently
, if the government focuses on the health
of their
Correct pronoun usage
its
citizens
, the hospital
will Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
also
got improvement
. That building will facilitated with technology Wrong verb form
improve
equipments
which Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
encourage
the doctor and the nurse to work hard for their patients. Afterwards, giving access to Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
people
to get free medical check-up
can be one of Fix the agreement mistake
check-ups
solutions
to pursue medical Add an article
the solutions
health
for the citizens
.
Having said that, it will be costly. The worst case is the citizens
must pay higher taxes to provide it. This
thing can happen because the government needs a lot of money to make health
care
more accessible for anyone.
To conclude
, the improving
of Replace the word
improvement
health
care
has broader consequences which is good. Even though,
there is Remove the comma
apply
possibility
for the Add an article
a possibility
the possibility
citizens
to pay more taxes, in the end, it will be worth it.Submitted by wishmeluck on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task in a generally clear manner, but it could benefit from more specific examples and deeper analysis to effectively support the arguments. Consider providing more details and data to substantiate your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer, more logical structure. Each paragraph should have a clear main point and should flow smoothly into the next. Improve the coherence and cohesion by using more connective words and phrases to link ideas and paragraphs.
grammar
There are several language and grammar errors that affect readability. Work on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure to enhance clarity.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the argument effectively.
task achievement
The arguments presented are relevant to the topic and show an understanding of the task.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.