IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. Do you think benefits of this outweigh disadvantages in terms of family development?

#people #country #work #outweigh #terms #development
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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that
state
Correct article usage
the state
show examples
think
Change the verb form
thinks
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 you must
live
Correct your spelling
leave
show examples
 your city for your job. It is undeniable that
job
Correct article usage
a job
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 has become an essential part of our life.
However
, there is no absolute agreement as some people find
beneficial
Correct pronoun usage
it beneficial
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,
while
 others consider everything associated with
this
 statement negatively. But
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
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 outweigh
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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. One of the main positives of
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 away is that you have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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high
payment
Replace the word
pay
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 and broaden your horizons One other hand disadvantage is that
firstly
, workers may spend less time taking care
to
Change preposition
of
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 their families. For many employees, coming home has some difficulties because of the far distances and the high-cost tickets that they have to allocate.
Thus
, the robust connection between them, especially between their children or their lovers, will fainter day by day.
Secondly
, the rate of illegal accommodation could be higher by virtue of the high salaries that they have paid, so they find many ways to work there
instead
 of coming home. The high ratio of illegal occupiers in Korea could be a clear example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 point.
For instance
, the average salary for Vietnamese was 500$ in 2000 and increased to 1000$ in 2020, which encourages individuals to buy more necessities. Another benefit could be to enjoy better welfare
such
 as mental health, education, and working environment, which could grow the living standard. Having weighed everything mentioned up, we can come to a conclusion that
while
 working far away from their families has some drawbacks
such
 as losing time for their loved ones and, I concur that they could earn higher incomes and have a better environment to develop.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
Try to create a clearer structure for your essay. Follow a more traditional format with an introduction stating your opinion, body paragraphs each with a single main idea supported by examples, and a conclusion summarizing your main points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Develop your main points more fully. Expand on each key idea and provide more detailed examples to support your claims.
task achievement
Avoid using vague phrases like 'some people find beneficial' and instead clearly articulate both the benefits and drawbacks. Ensure each point ties back to the question of family development.
task achievement
The essay touches on both the advantages and disadvantages of working abroad, showing an understanding of multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The use of specific examples, such as income comparisons, is a good strategy to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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