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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There are two line chart diagrams depict changes that the percent of electrical appliance in households in 1920-2019 and the tuatal time of doing housework every weeks in same time.

There are two line chart diagrams depict changes that the percent of electrical appliance in households in 1920-2019 and the tuatal time of doing housework every weeks in same time.
The upper line graph depicts the percentage of
housholds
Correct your spelling
households
 owning three electrical appliances-washing
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
,
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
vaccum
Correct your spelling
vacuum
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
- from 1920 to 2019 in a certain country,
while
Linking Words
 the lower chart demonstrates the number of weekly
hours
Use synonyms
 of household chores during the same period.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was a dramatic increase in the ownership of all three electrical devices, where refrigerators and
Use synonyms
vaccum
Correct your spelling
vacuum
 cleaners were
owened
Correct your spelling
owned
 by every household by the end of the given period.
This
Linking Words
 has been mirrored
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 of housework per week which
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 dramatically declined throughout the
last
Linking Words
 six decades. At the beginning of the time, in 1920, almost all houses had no refrigerator,
however
Linking Words
, 30% and 40% of them owned a
Use synonyms
vaccum
Correct your spelling
vacuum
 and a washing machine, respectively. Over the next forty years, the fridge's ownership significantly jumped to 90
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the other two cleaning appliances rose to the same level of 70%. From 1960 onwards, the percentage of washing machine owners slightly fluctuated before slowly going up to approximately 75%,
while
Linking Words
households
Change noun form
households'
household's
show examples
 percentage having refrigerators and
Use synonyms
vaccum
Correct your spelling
vacuum
 cleaners continued to rocket to 100% in 2000 and leveled off till 2019.
This
Linking Words
 substantial rise in appliances' ownership was reflected
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the total
hours
Use synonyms
 spent on housework weekly as they
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined from 50
hours
Use synonyms
 to 20
hours
Use synonyms
 of chores in 1960.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by a slight decrease to 10
hours
Use synonyms
 throughout the next six decades.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words vaccum, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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