IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for work. What will be the consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?

#people #background #cities #work #consequences #offer
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A school of thought holds the perception that individuals are now migrating to urban
areas
 in search
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 greener pastures. The essay will elaborate
both
Change preposition
on both
show examples
 the causes and effects that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society might encounter in years to come.
On the other hand
, scarcity of
food
 nowadays has become a major challenge for the public
due to
farmers
 migrating to urban
areas
 for quality livelihood. The major challenge is associated with
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
infrastructures
Fix the agreement mistake
infrastructure
show examples
 and social amenities in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
areas
.
For instance
 quality education and health for their family. There are numerous solutions to
this
 issue and one is, officials constructing adequate infrastructures and ensuring the
farmers
 are properly taken care
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
. Another point is
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 accessibility of roads and transport to convey the produce to the city.
Farmers
 encounter challenges many times in terms of transporting
food
 items which sometimes decay in the process
as a result
 of delays in transportation, which sometimes makes them work in vain. Another point is
farmers
 being cheated by traders in terms of purchasing the produce,
food
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
 are been bought cheaper from the workers and sold at
a reasonable prices
Correct the article-noun agreement
reasonable prices
a reasonable price
show examples
 in the markets to gain more profit than the workers themselves,
therefore
this
 act
deter
Change the verb form
deters
show examples
 them from cultivating again and migrating to the urban
areas
 for greener pasture. There should be fixed prices for
food
 commodities, which should be guided by strict
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 from the officials.
Farmers
 are not well catered for by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, social security
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not paid which makes them not entitled to
pension
Add an article
a pension
the pension
show examples
scheme
Fix the agreement mistake
schemes
show examples
,
therefore
 they will migrate and look for
white coloured
Add a hyphen
white-coloured
show examples
 jobs for
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
show examples
 to be paid to secure their future.
To conclude
, factors influencing
farmers
 to migrate to the urban
areas
 are poor infrastructures and social amenities, officials not paying social security, traders purchasing at cheaper prices and poor accessibility to roads. The possible solutions are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
elaborated
in
Change preposition
on in
show examples
 the essay above.
Submitted by priscillaagyeiwaaboahen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
While the essay provides a clear response to the task, it could benefit from a more robust introduction that better outlines both the causes and effects of urban migration, followed by a more detailed conclusion that summarizes the main points.
coherence cohesion
Some transitional phrases and better structuring would enhance the logical flow of ideas. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and within them to improve overall cohesion.
task response
The content could be enriched with more specific examples and a diverse range of consequences and solutions to show in-depth understanding of the topic.
task response
The essay stays on topic and provides relevant information focused on the causes and consequences of people moving from rural to urban areas.
coherence cohesion
The main points are effectively supported with examples of challenges faced by farmers and the potential solutions to these issues.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: