IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Parents, usually mothers, give up work, choose to stay at home and look after families. Some people think that government should give them salary. Do you agree or disagree. Give reason from your own knowledge and experience.

#parents #mothers #work #home #families #people #government #salary #reason
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Some
parents
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 choose to leave
work
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 and are occasionally mothers and stay at home to care for their families. I do not agree that the authorities must pay them for their sacrifices.
This
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 essay will discuss several reasons behind that matter.
Firstly
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, It is the fact that individuals who push themselves to
work
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 will receive more money, and without any effort, it is not an ethical approach to give a salary to anyone. If we look at nature we might understand
this
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 concern more deeply. Take the ants
for example
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, they
work
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 as a team and none of them attempt to destroy their rhythm.
As a result
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, Similarities between ants and human society are a proper illustration for possible resolution in the case of whether should the
government
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 pay for mothers who stay at home or just leave them alone.
Secondly
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, In terms of ethics, it is not appropriate to pay those who do not contribute to society and those who receive money free will likely be lazy, which is a characteristic that demolishes the rhythm of the public.
Besides
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, I would recommend that the
government
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 should encourage them to
work
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instead
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.
This
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 will achieved through the
government
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's initiatives.
Thus
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, promoting more facilities,
such
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 as a more comfortable working environment for
parents
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 or allowing them more time to vacation so that they can both enjoy and care about their families. In conclusion, I do not believe that it is advantageous for society to pay
parents
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 who stay at home as nature gives us numerous insights about
this
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 affair , and it is not ethically correct which makes them lazy .
Instead
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, I recommend creating an environment for
parents
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 that allows them to continue to
work
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. To be successful, the
government
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 plays a vital role.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue, which is a strong point. However, some of your arguments could be more fully developed. For example, when mentioning the ants, you could explain more directly how this relates to human society. Adding real-life examples or statistics could also strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally coherent, there are areas where transitions between ideas can be smoother. Ensure each paragraph logically flows from one to the next. Additionally, aim to use a variety of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-structured, providing a strong framework for your argument.
task achievement
Your stance on the issue is clear and consistent throughout the essay, which helps in presenting a unified argument.
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