IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Write about the following topic: In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
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An increase in the number of overweight
people
, followed by a decline in their health condition, is mainly
due to
 a significant growth in
supply
Add an article
the supply
show examples
 of sugary
products
 across the nation. I believe that one effective way to tackle
this
 issue is to bring up the prices of highly-sweetened food and drinks. Nowadays, there are more and more
people
 who have access to purchasing
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
products
 easily.
This
 is because when it comes to producing consumer goods, both the government and manufacturers have
least
Change the article
the least
show examples
 concern in terms of society's well-being.
For example
, children choose to buy soft drinks which contain aspartame at a convenience store located in their
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
, since they are offered
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a variety of sugary drinks in their area of living. An effective way to prevent the widespread use of
this
 issue is to increase the
price
 of unhealthy
products
.
Although
 the difference in
price
 might be insignificant, it will stimulate some customers to think twice before buying
products
 which contain high levels of
sugar
. Considering to compare the
price
 of unhealthy food with the cheaper ones will lead to
entice
Change the verb form
enticing
show examples
 them to buy healthier
products
. To illustrate,
people
 tend to buy
low
Add a hyphen
low-sugar
show examples
sugar
 colas if the
price
 is lower than the ones with normal
sugar
 levels. In conclusion, societies realize that the number of
people
 suffering from
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 is climbing.
Thus
, it is essential for the government and the public to work together and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
take action by increasing the
price
 of unhealthy
products
 in order to solve
this
 matter.
Submitted by michellyonggo on

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task achievement
Your response is overall well-developed and addresses the prompt effectively. However, there is room for further elaboration on other potential causes of the issue beyond sugary products. Including a wider range of measures could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are clear and organized, adding more transition phrases could improve the flow between your points. This will help to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
You clearly stated a potential cause (the growth in supply of sugary products) and provided an effective measure (increasing prices) to tackle the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, giving a good structure to your essay.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help in supporting your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, and your main points are well-supported.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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