IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by fast foods. This has a negative impact on families, individuals and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #foods #impact #families #individuals #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, new generations tend to replace their traditional
foods
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 junk
foods
.
This
 essay will discuss the potential adverse effects of
this
 phenomenon on both individuals and communities
as well as
 It will state my
openion
Correct your spelling
opinion
.
To begin
 with,
teenageres
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 have several reasons behind the replacement of their cultural meal by fast food in many countries around the world. First and foremost, standardization , to illustrate
this
 , wherever we travel we see the same brand of
cusine
Correct your spelling
cuisine
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries which can lead to
unconscious
Add an article
the unconscious
an unconscious
show examples
 decision to choose the same restaurants
such
 as McDonald's.
Secondly
, individuals from
new
Add an article
the new
show examples
 generation tend to cope with
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
technology's
Change noun form
technology
show examples
 world all
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 time and
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 busy so they don't have time
for cooking
Change preposition
to cook
show examples
 their meals by
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 at home.
for instance
,
university's
Change noun form
university
show examples
 students usually prepare their food quickly by buying some staff ready to cook and it is probably unhealthy.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 many families consume
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
foods
 daily on their whole meals , they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not realize the negative effects of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 habits on both
individual's
Change noun form
individual
show examples
 health and society. In fact, eating fast
foods
 on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis can harm
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
 health.
Also
 can lead to
suffer
Change the verb form
suffering
show examples
 from various diseases
such
 as
hybertensive
Correct your spelling
hypertension
hypertensive
, diabetes and obesity which
all these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
are associated with heart diseases, cancer and early death.
Therefore
. It is important mentioning
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
burdon
Correct your spelling
burden
show examples
 on society by
pay
Change the verb form
paying
show examples
 a lot for citizens' medical insurance. I firmly disagree with that notion and people should eat homemade food for their health and to prevent their traditional
foods
 too. to
sume
Correct your spelling
sum
 up, new generations tend to consume poor quality
foods
instead
 of
preserve
Change the verb form
preserving
show examples
 their cultural
foods
. to overcome the issues of
this
 phenomenon they should cook their meals by
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 to ensure consuming a healthy diet.
Submitted by ghadeer_lab on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
While the main points are clear, take care of consistency in presenting them and avoid jumping between ideas. For instance, separating the reasons for fast food preference and their impacts can provide clearer sections.
task achievement
Strengthen your points by adding more specific, relevant examples. This will help illustrate and support your ideas better.
task achievement
Ensure the use of accurate vocabulary and grammar throughout your essay. Small inaccuracies like 'teenageres', 'burdon', 'cusine', 'hybertensive', etc. should be revised.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction is effective in setting the context, the conclusion can be more robust by clearly summarizing main points discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve your transitions between paragraphs to achieve better flow and connection of ideas. This will enhance the readability of your essay and help achieve a higher score in coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt adequately, with a clear stance and reasons provided for the preference for fast food over traditional food.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the context for the essay, and the conclusion provides a satisfactory end to the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • cultural identity
  • heritage
  • local economy
  • employment
  • family dynamics
  • bonding time
  • carbon footprint
  • non-sustainable farming
  • nutritional value
  • healthcare costs
  • traditional cooking skills
  • cultural diversity
  • packaging
  • on-the-go lifestyle
What to do next:
Look at other essays: