IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some say that rich countries should help poor countries with trade, health and education. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

#say #countries #trade #health #education
Unfortunately, our world is very unequal. Many
countries
 have low levels of welfare, education, and healthcare. Some people believe that rich
countries
 should help poor
countries
,
while
 others adhere to the contrary opinion. I support the first thesis, we will discuss
this
 social issue
further
.
Firstly
, we will consider the first point of view. Rich
countries
 benefit from
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trade with the poor because indigent
countries
 can provide cheap workforce and land.
Therefore
 companies want to move their production
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 poor
countries
 so that the latter will receive scads of money, investment
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 logistics, and workplaces for numerous indigenous young adults.
Moreover
, the rich can invest in
resourse
Correct your spelling
resource
resources
 extraction industries
thus
 they help the poor to build
minings
Fix the agreement mistake
mining
show examples
 and oil wells. Rich consumers are satisfied
also
 inasmuch as
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of products will reduced.
Also
,
enterpreneurs
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
 are interested in education for the locals because they are future
quailified
Correct your spelling
qualified
 workers potentially.
Secondly
, we will consider the second point of view. Foreign capital causes a pernicious influence on the local markets
hence
 the locals cannot move on toward a free market and a liberal democracy.
For example
, China puts in tremendous money in some African economies,
such
 as Zimbabwe, Congo,
Guinea
Correct word choice
and Guinea
show examples
, but these states are very unsuccessful even on the African continent.
Besides
, many
researches
Correct your spelling
researchers
show examples
 points out that material assistance from the USA, the IMF, and the UK
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 useless or even harmful in perspective. In conclusion, I opine that undeveloped
countries
 need assistance, but the rich should provide technologies and high culture.
Submitted by andreidiakov2100 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Enhance your introduction to provide a clearer thesis statement. This will set the stage for your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific instances of successful or unsuccessful aid that could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with complex sentences, ensuring that each idea is clearly conveyed. This will help improve clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Recheck grammar and spelling, as minor errors may distract the reader. For example, 'resource' is misspelled as 'resourse' and 'qualified' as 'quailified'.
coherence cohesion
Develop more balanced paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence for stronger coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task by discussing both points of view and providing reasons for your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: