IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the number of
students
 who try to achieve academic success in order to get into a well-reputable university and secure a well-paid job is increasing. Some people argue that non-academic
subjects
 should not be taught so that
students
 who are young learners can concentrate more on academic
subjects
.
However
, I disagree that non-academic
subjects
 should be removed from the
school
 syllabus. The first argument is that teaching
students
 a wide range of life skills could facilitate them to take an active part in society upon leaving
school
. Practical
subjects
 can help teach these skills to
students
.
For example
, physical education will teach them how to work in a team.
Furthermore
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
cookery will help them to learn about nutrition and the importance of maintaining health. The second reason why non-academic
subjects
 should not be removed is
due to
 the fact that academic
subjects
 are not equally important for all
students
. Including more vocational non-academic
subjects
 on
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 syllabus will increase employment prospects and secure employment. Because not all
students
 will continue to higher education, schools should enable these
students
 to find work. In conclusion, teaching academic
subjects
 should not be the sole focus of a
school
 syllabus. There are a number of benefits to teaching
students
 non-academic
subjects
.
Submitted by alfinkarimah008 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Expand the conclusion to summarize the main points discussed in the essay more comprehensively. This will provide a more rounded closure to your argument.
logical structure
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with clear topic sentences. This will improve the logical flow and make your argument more cohesive.
relevant specific examples
Add more specific examples and further elaborate on existing ones. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction provides a clear statement of your position on the topic and sets the stage for your arguments.
logical structure
You have clearly organized your essay into well-defined paragraphs, making it easy for the reader to follow your train of thought.
supported main points
You have included relevant points explaining the importance of non-academic subjects and supported them with examples, making your argument persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: