IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

#plans #show #park #first #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The visuals illustrate a common garden when it
first
Add a missing verb
was first
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 established
one
 hundred and four years ago and a similar now day. I will describe the changes
then
 and now. Regarding the top diagram, we can group the facilities in several ways. There was
one
 round structure where people could listen to an orchestra towards the left
side
. For aquatic attractions, a
three- levels
Correct your spelling
three-level
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 fountain was situated in the middle
together with
 a small lake with vegetation in the top right-hand corner.
Furthermore
, five sitting areas were available around the perimeter and there were gate points at the top and bottom.
In addition
, there were rose yards between two chairs on the top and bottom left and the other on the left-hand of the small waterhole with hydrophytes. Turning to the present-day map,
to begin
 with, the building where people can listen to music has developed into a huge open seating area for concerts on the very left
side
.
Secondly
, the rose field is relocated centrally and becomes bigger than
then
 with four sitting spaces on each
side
although
 there is
one
 left the same on the top left.
Thirdly
, the fountain has gone, but it has changed to be the short waterfall and being placed on the bottom toward the right.
Moreover
, the two accesses not only stay identical, but they
also
 add another
one
, which is below the surface parking lot.
Finally
, some new things are occurring
such
 as a Coffee shop toward the right top and the youngster’s playing space next to the right
side
 of it in the corner.
To conclude
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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grance
Correct your spelling
grace
grant
 park has changed for the better including more people having access to come since there are not only adults who want to
come
Add the particle
come to
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 chill no more but better for parents who have kids and teenagers to play at the playground, enjoy the concert, can have meals here and can bring your car along
due to
 the fact that there is a car parking area already.
Submitted by nugentsr on

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task achievement
Consider introducing the topic more concisely at the beginning to give a clearer overview. For example, 'The visuals illustrate the changes in a public park from 1920 to the present.'
coherence cohesion
Focus on minor grammatical errors and sentence structure improvements, such as 'Furthermore, five sitting areas were available around the perimeter, and there were gates at the top and bottom.'
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to demonstrate language proficiency effectively.
task achievement
You made a clear comparison of the changes that occurred from 1920 to today, showing a good understanding of the task.
task achievement
You provided a comprehensive description of the park's different features and how they have changed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, and the paragraphs flow coherently from one point to the next.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alterations
  • renovations
  • modernize
  • upgraded
  • transformed
  • landscaping
  • facilities
  • amenities
  • preservation
  • heritage
  • green spaces
  • eco-friendly
  • public space
  • community impact
  • historical elements
  • conservation
  • recreational areas
  • urban planning
  • sustainable development
  • layout
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