IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In recent years most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies
request
Wrong verb form
have requested
show examples
 personal
information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as marital status, hobbies and personal interests of candidates. The main purpose of
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 is to identify job seekers' job skills, knowledge and experience
as well as
Linking Words
 personal
details
Use synonyms
. During the various stages of
recruitment
Add an article
the recruitment
show examples
 process, recruiters recognize
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
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 background and relevant
inustry
Correct your spelling
industry
 experience of the potential candidates. In the meantime, many businesses prefer obtaining basic
information
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 selected individuals for a respective position.
Firstly
Linking Words
, gathering
details
Use synonyms
 of employees is useful and relevant since
Human
Correct article usage
the Human
show examples
Resource
Fix the agreement mistake
Resources
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 Department can share these
details
Use synonyms
 with other
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
colleges
.
This
Linking Words
 supports
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
building team relationships and each team member receives the opportunity to know about their
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, I recently started a new position as a Bookkeeper in one of the reputed
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
. Meanwhile, with the issuance of
offer
Correct article usage
the offer
show examples
 letter Human Resources Manager requested to fill
a
Change preposition
out a
show examples
for
Correct your spelling
form
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 called "Know your
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
" which includes my hobbies, interests and history before joining the company.
However
Linking Words
, the department shared
these
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 with coworkers to provide an understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the fresh hires.
Secondly
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, some people believe providing personal
details
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
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 is unnecessary and not useful .
Further
Linking Words
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of the new hires feel anxious
of
Change the preposition
about
show examples
 sharing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
confidential
information
Use synonyms
 with a completely new company. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, if a person is having difficulties or issues within a marriage they prefer not
revealing
Change the verb form
to reveal
show examples
 marital status to outside parties.
Additionally
Linking Words
, people may have various and uncommon hobbies which they feel disrespectful and uncomfortable
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
disclosing to unknown parties. Meanwhile, it is the perspective of some people that there should be a professional gap between
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 and employees to run business operations smoothly and efficiently.
Therefore
Linking Words
, maintaining professional
information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as qualifications, skills, knowledge and experience is sufficient as employee records. In summary, maintaining better relationships is significant for business
rowth
Correct your spelling
growth
 and stability.
Therefore
Linking Words
, building closer connections
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 supervisor and worker is important
while
Linking Words
undertstanding
Correct your spelling
understanding
 the personal characteristics and behaviour.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 employees prefer keeping a distance
with
Change preposition
from
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 superiors
while
Linking Words
 limiting conversations and sharing
details
Use synonyms
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a professional context only.
Finally
Linking Words
, employers should handle sensitive
information
Use synonyms
 in an efficient manner to avoid
confusions
Fix the agreement mistake
confusion
show examples
 in the future and I suppose
businees
Correct your spelling
business
 owners need to prove the importance, relevance and usefulness of gathering personal
information
Use synonyms
 for employer-employee relationships.

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task response
You've addressed the topic well by discussing both views and providing your own opinion. However, ensure that each argument is fully developed and supported with diverse examples. Additionally, try to make your conclusion more precise and summarizing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical progression and clear structure. However, some sentences can be refined to improve readability and smooth transitions. Pay attention to paragraphing and make sure every idea flows naturally to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and avoid mixing different points within a single paragraph. Use linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task response
The essay covers both views and provides your own opinion, which answers the task adequately.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear with distinct paragraphs for different points of view.
task response
Use of examples helps in explaining your ideas more clearly and makes your arguments more compelling.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
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