IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today children are spending much more time watching TV compared to the past. Why do you think this happens? Is this a positive or a negative change?

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Nowadays, more and more parents are allowing their children to spend too much time in front of Television. I see
this
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as a result
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 of adults' lack of awareness
to
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of
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 the negative impact of too much
screen-time
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screen time
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for
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on
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 young
kids
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 including their health and social development.
Therefore
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, the increasing number of
under-age
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underage
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 people watching
TV
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 has been a down-grade progress in our society. Ideally, parents, teachers, and other responsible adults should know the importance of suitable stimulus for
kids
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. Unfortunately, many
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
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 to understand that there are some
medias
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media
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 -in
this
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 case television- that bring more harm than benefits to
kids
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 especially if it is being given too much. Even worse if no adult is around to guide them
while
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 watching. We never know if the show presented is appropriate to their age. As a matter of fact, numerous
study
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studies
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 has found that the
habbit
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habit
 of
regulary
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regularly
 watching
TV
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 for children aged under 13 has caused health problems
such
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 as low vision and
Correct article usage
a sedantary
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sedantary
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sedentary
 lifestyle.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 harmful
habbit
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habit
 has
also
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influanced
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influenced
 how
kids
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interract
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interact
 with their friends. It is known that
kids
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 who watch
TV
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 more than the maximum
screen-time
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screen time
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 recommended by experts are facing social
problem
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problems
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such
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 as insecurity and trouble approaching their friends.
To conclude
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, the uprising case of little
kids
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 spending unlimited time in front of
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TV
Add an article
the TV
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 is caused by parents' little knowledge
on
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of
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 the importance of children's screen-time limitation. Personally, I strongly believe that
this
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behavioral
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behavioural
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 change
on
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in
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kids
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 brings more harm than good.
For instance
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, it has caused
chidlren's
Correct your spelling
children's
 health and social problems.
Therefore
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, adults should be more thoughtful of their
kids
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'
watch-time
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watch time
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 and find
alternatives
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alternative
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 media that are more beneficial to young
kids
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 e.g. drawing books,
encyclopedia
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encyclopedias
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, interactive board games, etc.

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task achievement
To improve task response, you should provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. This will illustrate your points more vividly and give the reader a concrete understanding of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure and flow. However, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the transitions between paragraphs are seamless. Using more transitional phrases can enhance the flow and connection between ideas.
task achievement
Try to reduce minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to make your ideas clearer and more precise. This will help in communicating your message more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a complete response to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported well with appropriate reasons and explanations, leading to a coherent and understandable essay.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed both parts of the question, discussing the reasons why children watch more TV and providing your opinion on whether this is positive or negative.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view with a clear stance, which is well-argued and supported.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • educational content
  • entertainment
  • relaxation
  • physical activity
  • cultural exposure
  • mental health
  • visual skills
  • auditory skills
  • advertisements
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