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Band 5

in the future, the main reason for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment not to Shop. Do you agree or disagree?

#future #reason #mall #entertainment #shop
These days,
people
 can go to a mall to get what they want and be entertained as well. As mall owners have competition with each other, so they are always open to
news
Correct your spelling
new
show examples
 ideas to make
people
 enjoy their big store.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
, I disagree with
this
 statement to some
extents
Fix the agreement mistake
extent
show examples
 and in
this
 essay, I will explain why and give my view. Shopping
malls
 will always be a place for shopping and getting what you are looking for,
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
if not, the name should be
amusement
Correct article usage
an amusement
show examples
 park
!.
Change the punctuation
!
show examples
 It is true that most
people
 may go there in order to be entertained, but they still go to different stores and if something
catch
Change the verb form
catches
show examples
 their
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
show examples
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 they do not need it,
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 will buy it. I work as a shopkeeper and
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 I see
wemon
Correct your spelling
women
 with their child who enjoy their shop alongside taking their kid to the playground
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
last
 floor. There are
also
 other places rather than shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 where
people
 can enjoy themselves.
On the other hand
,
Young
Correct article usage
the Young
show examples
 generations prefer to have fun at
malls
 rather than clubs or
amusment
Correct your spelling
amusement
 parks as there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of entertainment staff and facilities available in shopping
malls
.
For instance
, they Can go to a cinema in a mall and after that have a meal at a cafe or restaurant in the shopping
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 with their friends, so they can do plenty of activities all in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same place.
To sum up
 ,
malls
 are built for peoples'
convinience
Correct your spelling
convenience
 in shopping, but with the variety of facilities that they are offering,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generations' purpose of visiting a chain is changing.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your position and what you will discuss in the essay. Be careful with awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that can obscure your meaning. You can improve the coherence of your essay by making sure each paragraph has a clear main idea related to the overall argument.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points, particularly those related to the competition between mall owners and how they attract customers. Make sure to fully address both aspects of the question if you partially agree and partially disagree. Strengthen your conclusion to better summarize the key points made in the essay.
Task Achievement
You have included relevant, specific examples that illustrate your points, such as your experience as a shopkeeper and the observation of young generations enjoying various activities in malls.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a coherent structure with distinct paragraphs for different points, which helps the reader follow your argument more easily.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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