IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think that is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is undeniable that we are living in the modern era
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 sport play an indispensable
role
Use synonyms
 in life. In 2018,
Vietnamese’s
Change noun form
Vietnamese
show examples
 players of soccer won the U23 Asian Championship, which means that the general
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public
recognize
Change the verb form
recognizes
show examples
 sport as a lucrative profession. But some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that successful
sports
Use synonyms
professionals
Use synonyms
 can earn a great deal more
money
Use synonyms
 than
people
Use synonyms
 in other important professions.
In contrast
Linking Words
, citizens think
this
Linking Words
 is fully justified
while
Linking Words
 others think it is unfair. I see eye to eye
both
Change preposition
with both
show examples
 ideas. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I’m going to explain fully about the details. On the one hand,
sports
Use synonyms
professionals
Use synonyms
 play an important
role
Use synonyms
 in society. They are
people
Use synonyms
 who represent a country.
For example
Linking Words
,
U23
Correct article usage
the U23
show examples
 team represent Vietnam in
competition
Correct article usage
a competition
show examples
. So, they are taken care of carefully and can earn
money
Use synonyms
 lots of. But sometimes, they still face to face with difficulties
such
Linking Words
 as injury when competition occurs.
Besides
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
 experts must undergo rigorous training. From my perspective,
people
Use synonyms
 who are playing
sports
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can earn a great deal more
money
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who are working in fields
such
Linking Words
 as medicine, education or science
also
Linking Words
 can earn a volume of
money
Use synonyms
 similar to
sports
Use synonyms
professionals
Use synonyms
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they play an essential
role
Use synonyms
 in society and contribute to their country.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are always exceptions, we can not deny that
sports
Use synonyms
professionals
Use synonyms
 can earn more
money
Use synonyms
 than others .What actually matters would be the fact that
people
Use synonyms
 should consider every
jobs
Change to a singular noun
job
show examples
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
Correct article usage
an equally
show examples
equally
Change the adverb
equal
show examples
role
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a balanced view, which is good. However, it seems to lack detailed supporting examples and explanations. Try to include more specific instances and elaborate on your points to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure and your points flow reasonably well. However, some sentences are unclear and the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and use connecting phrases to enhance the flow.
coherence cohesion
There are several grammatical issues and awkward phrases throughout the essay. For example, “sport play an indispensable role in life” should be “sports play an indispensable role in our lives.” Make sure to proofread your essay for grammatical accuracy and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets the scene well and clearly states the topic you are going to discuss.
coherence cohesion
You have a conclusion that summarizes your main points, which helps to bring closure to your essay.
task achievement
Your essay shows a fair understanding of different perspectives on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
What to do next:
Look at other essays: