IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree of disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
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Nowadays,
health
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 problems the significantly important issues in modern society. Some
people
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 argue the thing that causes an unhealthy lifestyle is
sugar
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. Some of them might
be suggest
Change the verb form
suggest
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 the encouragement of consuming less
sugar
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 was an increase in sugary product prices. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. The main reason is
people
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 who are addicted to
sugar
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 are not considering consuming
sugar
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 because of its price but they are not aware of how
sugar
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 can affect their
health
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. I think the governments or healthcare associations should give
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information about the harm of
sugar
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, it will raise awareness on the majority of
people
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 to be aware of eating or drinking sugary products.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Sweet foods or sugary beverages are not the only foods that
people
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 receive from
sugar
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 because many fruits contain a lot of
sugar
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 too. I reckon that the healthcare organisation should
be published
Wrong verb form
publish
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 or inform
people
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 about knowledge in foods and nutrition. When
people
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 acknowledge
this
Linking Words
 information some of them will reconsider their eating behaviour in the long term.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I think
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entrepreneurs especially food companies must have a responsibility
by considering
Change preposition
to consider
show examples
 about ingredients in their products.
For example
Linking Words
, Some modern food companies use safe artificial sweeteners
instead
Linking Words
 of cane
sugar
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 to support the demand of
people
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 who are on a diet period or
people
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 who have a healthy lifestyle, which is an alternative to consuming sugars
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 consumers. In conclusion,
health
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 issues especially high blood
sugar
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 are important problems that were not solved by one organisation or only food manufacturers. The governments should be focused and concentrate on
people
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's
health
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 by providing knowledge and information about healthcare and offering some alternative methods to sweets-addicted
people
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 in their country as well.
Submitted by matty10 on

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Task Response
When discussing causes of an unhealthy lifestyle, it's important to identify various factors. Here, you centered mainly on sugar. While the essay focused directly on the task, you could expand on other health issues related to sugar consumption to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, it's crucial to use smoother transitions between paragraphs and within them. This can help the essay flow better. Phrases such as 'Additionally,' 'Moreover,' and 'On the contrary,' can be used more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main points could be supported with more specific examples or data that emphasize your stance. Using more concrete evidence or citing studies can fortify your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion are present, offering a good summary and effectively wrapping up the essay.
Task Response
The essay reflects thoughtful engagement with the topic, offering multiple reasons for the standpoint taken.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical flow to how ideas are presented, even if transitions could be smoother.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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