IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that increasing prison sentences is the best way to reduce crime rates, while others think that finding alternative solutions is more effective. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #prison #sentences #crime #rates #alternative
Prison
 is the best solution for gathering
criminals
 , especially with the significant increase in
crime
rates
. Which presents the argument of either increasing
prison
 sentences or finding other solutions to fight
crime
rates
. In my opinion, I believe that finding other solutions is more efficient for fighting
crime
rates
. Some people view that longer
prison
 sentences have a greater impact on
crime
 numbers.
This
 view can be justified by thinking that
criminals
 will rot in
prison
 leaving them hopeless after getting out. Staying in the same place for a great amount of time will have an impact on one's behaviour. Which could teach them how to hold themselves in many situations.
Additionally
, they could think that staying in
prison
 for
such
 a long period of time will make them question their actions and impact other people by spreading the fear of being kept in
prison
 for years.
While others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 think that finding alternative ways is a better
option
 which I completely agree with. The first
option
 could be efficient.
However
, it won't enhance productivity among those
criminals
. Things
such
 as allowing
criminals
 to work in certain fields and aspects of life could teach them a lesson.
Furthermore
, when they blend in with society the number of moments of realisation that they will be caught by will make them even better individuals. They are even more exposed to severe internal imbalance if they are in
prison
 than trying to blend with society. Which makes it a better
option
 in reducing
crime
rates
. In conclusion, finding alternative ways
instead
 of increasing
prison
 sentences is a better
option
 to reduce
crime
rates
. Especially the trigger of the mental conditions a criminal might face
while
 being in
prison
Submitted by hamdanaldehaihani37 on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction. While it briefly mentions the two views, it makes a sudden shift to your opinion. Provide a clearer outline of the structure of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in transitions. Some paragraphs contain small pauses that break the flow—streaks of disjointed phrases can be unified smoothly.
task achievement
Support your points with more specific, real-life examples to make the arguments more compelling. It helps to concretize general ideas.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on the reasoning behind your viewpoint: explain why alternatives to prison may foster reform more effectively, using studies or cases if possible.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main stance and reinforces the opinion articulated in the essay.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a balanced discussion by presenting arguments for both views, reflecting an understanding of the issue.
task achievement
The language used is clear and relatively easy to follow, which aids in understanding your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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