Tobacco is a kind of drug. People have been free to use it. Some people think that it should be illegal to use it comparing with other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What is your opinion?
Although
the harmful effect
of smoking Fix the agreement mistake
effects
has
been under heavy investigation throughout the years, some people Correct subject-verb agreement
have
still
against the idea of banning Add a missing verb
are still
tobacco
. However
, this
results in jeapardizing
the Correct your spelling
jeopardising
health
of many. This
essay is going to discuss how tobacco
should be banned due to
public health
concern
and safeguarding the youth from Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
contacting
with Replace the word
contact
tobacco
.
To begin
with, tobacco
induces many pulmonary diseases which in results harming the public health
. Tobacco
contains many harmful substances, such
as nicotine and tar, these toxins not only accumulate inside the lungs of the smoker but are also
expelled of
the body through exhalation. These exhaled gas deposits around the cities Change preposition
from
and
Correct word choice
apply
thus
causing damages
to the non-smokers. Fix the agreement mistake
damage
This
poorly affect
the Change the verb form
affects
health
of the general public. The increase in people contracting airway related
diseases, Add a hyphen
airway-related
such
as asthma, will in turn worsen the burden of
Change preposition
on
health
system and Add an article
the health
therefore
influenced
Wrong verb form
influence
the
public Correct article usage
apply
health
.
Then
, some youngsters may consider tobacco
as cool and a new style of living. Since teens are more prone to peer pressure, there may be a
upsurge Change the article
an
of
Change preposition
in
smoking
population. Correct article usage
the smoking
This
may cause the worsening of the health
of the teens. Only through illegalizing the use of tobacco
can the youth be stopped from the exposure
Replace the word
exposed
of
potential Change preposition
to
health
hazards and therefore
grow heavily.
In conclusion, tobacco
is a drug with its
medical use, Correct pronoun usage
apply
however
, if not used properly may induce many potential problem
that warrant many concerns.Change to a plural noun
problems
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task achievement
Ensure that common phrases and words are spelled correctly (e.g., 'jeopardizing' instead of 'jeapardizing').
task achievement
Clarify some points which may be vague. For instance, explain how exhaled gases deposit around cities and their specific effects on public health.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to better connect ideas between paragraphs (e.g., 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' 'In addition').
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or details to support the points made, which will make the essay more comprehensive and convincing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion, advocating for a ban on tobacco due to public health concerns and the protection of youth.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, marking the structure of the essay.
task achievement
The essay outlines two main arguments for making tobacco illegal: its harmful effects on public health and its appeal to youth.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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