IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Tobacco is a kind of drug. People have been free to use it. Some people think that it should be illegal to use it comparing with other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What is your opinion?

#tobacco #drug #people #drugs
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Although
 the harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of smoking
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been under heavy investigation throughout the years, some people
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
 against the idea of banning
tobacco
.
However
,
this
 results in
jeapardizing
Correct your spelling
jeopardising
 the
health
 of many.
This
 essay is going to discuss how
tobacco
 should be banned
due to
 public
health
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
 and safeguarding the youth from
contacting
Replace the word
contact
show examples
 with
tobacco
.
To begin
 with,
tobacco
 induces many pulmonary diseases which in results harming the public
health
.
Tobacco
 contains many harmful substances,
such
 as nicotine and tar, these toxins not only accumulate inside the lungs of the smoker but are
also
 expelled
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the body through exhalation. These exhaled gas deposits around the cities
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
thus
 causing
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage
show examples
 to the non-smokers.
This
 poorly
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
 the
health
 of the general public. The increase in people contracting
airway related
Add a hyphen
airway-related
show examples
 diseases,
such
 as asthma, will in turn worsen the burden
of
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on
show examples
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 system and
therefore
influenced
Wrong verb form
influence
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
.
Then
, some youngsters may consider
tobacco
 as cool and a new style of living. Since teens are more prone to peer pressure, there may be
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 upsurge
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
smoking
Correct article usage
the smoking
show examples
 population.
This
 may cause the worsening of the
health
 of the teens. Only through illegalizing the use of
tobacco
 can the youth be stopped from the
exposure
Replace the word
exposed
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 potential
health
 hazards and
therefore
 grow heavily. In conclusion,
tobacco
 is a drug with
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
medical use,
however
, if not used properly may induce many potential
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 that warrant many concerns.
Submitted by hardychau on

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task achievement
Ensure that common phrases and words are spelled correctly (e.g., 'jeopardizing' instead of 'jeapardizing').
task achievement
Clarify some points which may be vague. For instance, explain how exhaled gases deposit around cities and their specific effects on public health.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to better connect ideas between paragraphs (e.g., 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' 'In addition').
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or details to support the points made, which will make the essay more comprehensive and convincing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion, advocating for a ban on tobacco due to public health concerns and the protection of youth.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, marking the structure of the essay.
task achievement
The essay outlines two main arguments for making tobacco illegal: its harmful effects on public health and its appeal to youth.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • carcinogenic
  • respiratory diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • tax revenue
  • addiction
  • regulation
  • public health
  • legislation
  • narcotics
  • prohibition
  • personal autonomy
  • social harm
  • economic burden
  • health implications
  • substance abuse
What to do next:
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