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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each argument to provide a balanced discussion. Your points on comfort and safety are good, but offering more specific examples and comparisons could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure to improve readability and coherence. Linking phrases and cohesive devices would help in transitioning between ideas more smoothly.
general english
Be careful with minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'policie,' 'safier,' 'cant,' and 'to preserve.' These can be distracting and affect the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
Consider adding a counter-argument to demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic. This can provide a deeper insight into the complexities of the issue and add weight to your conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
The main points regarding comfort and safety are relevant and directly address the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
Paragraph 1 - Introduction
Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion
Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion
Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
The role of external influence in a child’s development has long been a subject of debate, in spite of the primary responsibility resting on parents. I, however, completely agree with the given notion that peers, education, and media, shape a youngster’s values, behaviour, and worldview.
Some people believe that the young generation should choose a job that they want, whereas others think that they should be more realistic and think about their future.
Students attend university to improve their prospects and find suitable employment after graduation. For this reason, some feel that they should focus all their energy on their main subjects to gain a relevant qualification. Others want a more well-rounded education, so they try to learn about additional subjects.
Some people believe that we should defend buildings that are not used now. But I think that local forces need to substitute old constructions with new ones because the populations of towns are growing and the cost to maintain them.
It is often argued that advertisements for snacks and toys have a strong influence on children and their parents, and therefore such marketing aimed at young audiences should be prohibited. While some people support this view, I largely agree that advertising directed at children should be restricted for several important reasons.