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Band 5

Full-time university students spend most of their time in class or working on assignments. However, some people think that it is important for students to get involved in non-academic activities on campus as well (for example, to join a sports team or take part in drama). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#university #students #time #class #assignments #people #activities #campus #sports #team #part #drama
In
this
 era, the
student
 in the
university
 was spent more time to finish their assignment from lecture and attend the
class
, but several non-academic
activity
 or extracurricular outside the
class
 is imperative one. I am very agree with
this
 statement because non-academic
activity
 can increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leadership
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and networking.
First,
extracurricular or several non-academic activities can increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leadership
skill
 because the
skill
 is the most imperative
skill
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
needed
Add a missing verb
is needed
show examples
 by
Add an article
the student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 in the all of
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
.
For example
, several students in
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Muhammadiyah Malang who
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
followed the sports club and debate club
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
have
good
Correct word choice
better
show examples
leadership
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
decision maker
Correct your spelling
decision-makers
show examples
 than
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
is just focus
Change the verb form
is just focused
is just focusing
show examples
to finish
Change preposition
on finishing
show examples
 the
class
activity
 or
focus in
Verb problem
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 because most of them have more responsibility in the outside of academic task.
Secondly
, studying
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
university
 with another
activity
such
 as
follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 non-academic
class
 will
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the
student
’s networking because
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 have more interaction with
another
Fix the agreement mistake
other students
show examples
student
 and have
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 with
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 mission.
In
Change preposition
Similarly
show examples
similarly
, the
student
 who
active
Add a missing verb
is active
show examples
 in
extracurricular
Add an article
the extracurricular
an extracurricular
show examples
 mix
with
Change preposition
while
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working on
assignment
Fix the agreement mistake
assignments
show examples
 from
lecturer
Add an article
the lecturer
a lecturer
show examples
 in
class
 will know more people.
For instance
, students from
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Indonesia
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
joined the drama club and Model United Nation have more relations with
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 not only from the same
university
 but
also
Change preposition
from another
show examples
another
Fix the agreement mistake
other universities
show examples
university
. In conclusion, I
am totally agree
Change the verb form
totally agree
show examples
 that non-academic activities are very vital for
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
student
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leadership
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and networking
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outside of
class
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
While you have provided a complete response, try to offer more comprehensive ideas and delve deeper into each point. Make sure to provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments and support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure but can benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. Work on connecting your main points more effectively to create a more logical flow. Ensure your introduction and conclusion succinctly summarize your main arguments and position.
language and vocabulary
There are a number of grammatical and spelling errors that detract from the clarity of your ideas. Work on sentence structure and verb tense consistency. Additionally, aim to use more varied vocabulary to enhance the quality of your writing.
task achievement
You’ve successfully addressed the topic and taken a clear stance on the issue. Your organizational approach is straightforward, making your opinion clear.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph addresses a specific point that supports your overall argument, showing a good attempt at developing ideas coherently.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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