IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more people understand the need for more diversity in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) fields, but few women decide to study and work in STEM fields. Schools and universities should implement specific programs to encourage and support women in doing careers in STEM fields.

#people #diversity #science #technology #mathematics #fields #women #study #work #schools #universities #programs #support #careers
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In recent years, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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 huge demand for diversity in
fields
Use synonyms
 related to science, technology, engineering, and mathematics because a large number of
women
Use synonyms
 opt to start their careers in other
fields
Use synonyms
. It is argued that particular programs and campaigns should be conducted to
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
 and advocate
women
Use synonyms
 in pursuing jobs in STEM
fields
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. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because many
women
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 have insights and potential talents that can contribute to breakthroughs in these
fields
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as well
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and
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 many corporations need more gifted people to improve the quality of their
products
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 despite of
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
their
gender
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
. First and foremost,
women
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 tend to think that they can not compete with men in scientific
fields
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due to
Linking Words
 the fact that many creative goods
was
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were
show examples
came
Wrong verb form
come
show examples
 up with by the opposite
gender
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.
However
Linking Words
, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a lot of
researchs
Correct your spelling
research
researches
 which were done by scientists
shows
Correct pronoun usage
that shows
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 that both
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gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 have
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 brain structure which means they can fairly compete and contribute to society in whatever
fields
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 they choose to pursue.
For example
Linking Words
, Marie Curie is a
physist
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physicist
 and chemist that figured out a new element which is used in helping impaired individuals and curing many dangerous diseases.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
due to
Linking Words
 the
firece
Correct your spelling
fierce
 competition in many big companies and the advancement of technology, they need more gifted people to enhance their
products
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.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, if the hiring department of those corporations limits
women
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 to enter
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
STEM jobs, they will face massive disadvantages towards their opponents and lose in the rat race because of lacking gifted people.
For example
Linking Words
, technological big companies have recently implemented many programs to
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
 girls to learn STEM
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
along with
Linking Words
 trying to recruit employees from their rivals to help improve their
products
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and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
not caring what their
gender
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are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
. In conclusion, I firmly support the suggestion that programs need to
be conducts
Change the verb form
be conducted
show examples
 to help
women
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 follow scientific
fields
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 because many of them have hidden
talens
Correct your spelling
talents
talent
 in those
fields
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 which might have to find out breakthroughs and lots of companies need more the gifted to contribute to the success of their
products
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Andy on

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grammar
There are a few grammatical errors and typos that need to be addressed, such as "was came up," "researchs," and "futhermore." Proofreading for these errors can help improve the clarity of your writing.
example
Your examples are relevant but could be more diverse. Consider adding more specific examples from various STEM fields to strengthen your argument.
argument clarity
Some sentences can be made clearer. For example, rephrasing "many creative goods was came up with by the opposite gender" to "many innovations have been attributed to men" improves clarity.
structure
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for the argument, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your points.
coherence
You provide logical reasons for supporting your argument, making your essay coherent.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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