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Band 5

Write about the following topic: Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #schools #food #drinks #students #lunch #breaks #development
Issues related to wellness are frequently discussed these days. It is true that junk food
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more attractive to purchase than clean eating at schools.
While
this
 trend offers certain advantages, I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
This
 essay will critically provide explanations and examples to support my viewpoint.
Firstly
, unappropriated nutrition can result in various illnesses, as it contains
overwhelmed
Replace the word
overwhelming
show examples
 toxic nutrients
such
 as artificial trans fats, added sugar and gluconic acid in soft drinks.
In other words
,
this
 situation later leads to both mental and physical problems.
For instance
, children consuming multitudinous candies, snacks, or chocolates have a chance of becoming overweight, and
finally
 losing
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 confidence may suffer from depression.
Moreover
, the more juniors are sick, the less staff focus on
built
Wrong verb form
building
show examples
institute's
Correct article usage
the institute's
show examples
 reputation.
Lastly
Change the word
Last
show examples
 but not least, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a
decreasing
Replace the word
decrease
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 course fees.
In addition
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of financial
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
, education centers
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 able to gain additional profits from selling healthy products, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
carries
Correct subject-verb agreement
carry
show examples
 greater
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
. Launching well-being campaigns to support these following positive trends
turns up
Verb problem
has
show examples
 several advantages.
For example
, there is research from Chulalongkorn University
proofed
Replace the word
proved
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 that more than 50 per cent of university representatives
such
 as athletes and academicians were built from fundamental
element
Fix the agreement mistake
elements
show examples
 like healthy nutrition.
For
this
 reason,
this
 is the proper method to increase school ranking and the quantity of enrollments. All things considered, I am of the opinion that the adverse effects of focusing only
net
Change preposition
on net
show examples
 profit by selling
under standard
Add a hyphen
under-standard
show examples
 meals outweigh these benefits.
Submitted by nyentdn on

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task achievement
The essay has a clear position, but some ideas could be better developed. For example, the financial argument could be expanded upon to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Avoid using overly complex sentences that can confuse the reader. Simplify your sentence structure for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are directly related to the topic. Some parts of the essay veer away from the central issue of selling unhealthy food in schools.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples that strengthen your argument, such as the research from Chulalongkorn University.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, giving it a well-rounded structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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