IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Write about the following topic: Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #schools #food #drinks #students #lunch #breaks #development
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Issues related to wellness are frequently discussed these days. It is true that junk food
are
Change the verb form
is
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 more attractive to purchase than clean eating at schools.
While
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this
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 trend offers certain advantages, I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
This
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 essay will critically provide explanations and examples to support my viewpoint.
Firstly
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, unappropriated nutrition can result in various illnesses, as it contains
overwhelmed
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overwhelming
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 toxic nutrients
such
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 as artificial trans fats, added sugar and gluconic acid in soft drinks.
In other words
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,
this
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 situation later leads to both mental and physical problems.
For instance
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, children consuming multitudinous candies, snacks, or chocolates have a chance of becoming overweight, and
finally
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 losing
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 confidence may suffer from depression.
Moreover
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, the more juniors are sick, the less staff focus on
built
Wrong verb form
building
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institute's
Correct article usage
the institute's
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 reputation.
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Lastly
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Last
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 but not least, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a
decreasing
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decrease
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of
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in
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 course fees.
In addition
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, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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term
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terms
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 of financial
aspect
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aspects
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, education centers
be
Wrong verb form
are
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 able to gain additional profits from selling healthy products, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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carries
Correct subject-verb agreement
carry
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 greater
price
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prices
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. Launching well-being campaigns to support these following positive trends
turns up
Verb problem
has
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 several advantages.
For example
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, there is research from Chulalongkorn University
proofed
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proved
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 that more than 50 per cent of university representatives
such
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 as athletes and academicians were built from fundamental
element
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elements
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 like healthy nutrition.
For
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this
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 reason,
this
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 is the proper method to increase school ranking and the quantity of enrollments. All things considered, I am of the opinion that the adverse effects of focusing only
net
Change preposition
on net
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 profit by selling
under standard
Add a hyphen
under-standard
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 meals outweigh these benefits.
Submitted by nyentdn on

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task achievement
The essay has a clear position, but some ideas could be better developed. For example, the financial argument could be expanded upon to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Avoid using overly complex sentences that can confuse the reader. Simplify your sentence structure for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are directly related to the topic. Some parts of the essay veer away from the central issue of selling unhealthy food in schools.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples that strengthen your argument, such as the research from Chulalongkorn University.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, giving it a well-rounded structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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