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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart show the proportion of employees in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010

The bar chart show the proportion of employees in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010
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The bar chart
show
Change the verb form
shows
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 the proportion of employees in three sectors across four
countries
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 in 1980 and 2010
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the percentage of
workers
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 in all
countries
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 in
agriculture
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 and
services
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 slightly decreased
while
Linking Words
industry
Use synonyms
 in all
countries
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 generally increased except for
China
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. In 1980,
agriculture
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 reached the highest of employed in
China
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. Until 2010, the percentage of
workers
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 in
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industry
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the industry
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 in Germany ,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 and Japan significantly increased. In 1980, the workforce
of
Change preposition
apply
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industry
Use synonyms
 in Germany accounted for 60%,
while
Linking Words
agriculture
Use synonyms
 and
services
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 accounted for 5% and 50% respectively.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the proportion of
workers
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 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 was similar to Japan, with
majority
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the majority
a majority
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 of
workers
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 in
industry
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 and
services
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 and
minority
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a minority
the minority
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 of
workers
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 in
agriculture
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.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
China
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 had a large majority of
workforce
Correct pronoun usage
its workforce
show examples
 in
agriculture
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 , at 70%,
while
Linking Words
industry
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 and
services
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 accounted for 40% and 50% respectively. In 2010, there was a significant increase in
industry
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 in Germany ,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, and Japan, ranging from 70% to 80%,
while
Linking Words
China
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’s
industry
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 was stable , at 40%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there was a dramatic decrease in
agriculture
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 in
China
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 , from 70% to 50%
while
Linking Words
 other
countries
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 had a small drop , ranging from 1% to 3%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the workforce of
China
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was
Verb problem
showed
show examples
significant
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a significant
show examples
 drop in
services
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 , from 50% to 20% , compared to a less noticeable drop of 10% in other
countries
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "similarly, while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, workers, agriculture, services, industry, china with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drop" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 3 times.
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