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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities and other believe it is imporatant for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #imporatant
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Part of people believe that
parents
 should teach their
children
 to participate in
activities
, which involve multiple
children
 and
others
 think
children
 should learn to enjoy their own company by getting involved in
activities
 that only include them.
However
, I firmly believe in the idea of pushing
children
 to get into team
activities
 because they would be able to make connections with
others
as well as
 get a chance to learn something unique from
others
. I feel
parents
 should teach their
children
 to take part in team
activities
 because minors would have the opportunity to make new
friends
. Every
time
 when they will participate, they will get a chance to get to know new
children
 around them. As the
time
 goes by, the friendship will grow even more deeper.
Therefore
, juveniles would be able to make new relations.
Due to
 these connections, minors can learn new
skills
 from
others
 because every child is different. By grouping them together in group
activities
, it is going to be so easier for juveniles to adopt new
skills
 from their
friends
while
 enjoying.
On the other hand
, some individuals think it is fine if
parents
 give an opportunity to
children
 to utilize their free
time
 with themselves because
this
 would be really helpful to make them independent in life. By investing
time
 in themselves, they will have
time
 to think about the things that seem fascinating to them and can grow the
skills
 in order to do them and polish
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
skills
 over the years.
For instance
, my younger brother used to draw all the
time
 during his playtime when he was a child rather than playing with other
children
. But, he has grown that skill perfectly that he is a great sketch artist at the age of 16. All
this
 was possible because he was so involved with himself
instead
 of playing around with
others
. That sketching skill has made him independent in terms of happiness
as well as
 money. In conclusion, some find the idea of letting the
children
 alone to occupy themselves on their own so that they can become independent.
Nevertheless
, I strongly think that
parents
 should push
children
 to involve themselves in teamwork
activities
 so that they can make their
friends
 circle, which would be beneficial for them in return because they can learn new skill sets from their
friends
Submitted by ksamandeep03 on

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task achievement
Start with a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the essay prompt.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical connections between sentences and paragraphs for smoother transitions.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to make the essay more engaging.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of both perspectives on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The use of specific examples like your younger brother's experience adds depth to the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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