IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
The children’s leisure time has changed with the advancement of technology. 
This
 offers numerous benefits, the most noticeable of which is an improved learning process.
However
, the drawbacks,
such
 as lack of supervision, must not be neglected.
To begin
 with, one of the core advantages of modern
technologies
 is their improved process of learning. Everyone can access the internet  to use many sources , which is used by popular universities and it is suitable for different types of learners.
Additionally
,
this
 format of learning is highly flexible, as it allows great convenience. For these reasons,
technologies
 have improved the way of learning new things. A prime example is  Khan Academy . Because of
this
 a lot of learners can learn hard skills .
On the other hand
, the main drawback of
this
 is that if parents do not supervise, it might have serious repercussions for their children.
This
 can lead to them surfing social media or consuming unfiltered information, which can affect their physiology.
Moreover
, it is easy to waste time on entertainment or video games, which
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
addiction to them. 
Therefore
, despite their benefits,
technologies
 might have negative consequences. 
For instance
,
Tik Tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
 and CS (counter strike) are stealing their
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 valuable time . In conclusion , recent improvements in
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 allow  kids
explore
Fix the infinitive
to explore
show examples
 more possibilities , revealing both advantages and disadvantages . The main selling point of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 is the 
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhanced
show examples
 education,
while
 its weakness lies in the lack of control over the children by their parents .
Submitted by mamashukuruvbobur31 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve the task response, you could add more detailed examples and points to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Focus on refining transitions between sentences and paragraphs to strengthen coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay successfully presents both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with relevant examples, making the argument strong and convincing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: