Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory in high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?
A group of people discuss about the
highschooler
going to participate in free social Correct your spelling
high schooler
work
like raising funds, coaching kids sports, and helping their neighbours. This
discussion is running about whether the
unpaid social Correct article usage
apply
work
for teenagers
is mandatory or not and the reason behind them
.
I, myself, partially agree with the idea of adolescents Correct pronoun usage
it
take
Wrong verb form
taking
a
part in social Correct article usage
apply
work
without being paid. Social work
can help them increasing
their sense of belonging towards their society. It Change the form of the verb
increase
also
boost
their awareness about their part in social life. Change the verb form
boosts
In addition
, unpaid community service also
foster
their sympathy and empathy for others, and it will be beneficial for their adulthood.
But, Change the verb form
fosters
however
, i
can’t fully support the idea of making Change the capitalization
I
non-salary based
community service Add a hyphen
non-salary-based
as
Change preposition
apply
a
mandatory to Correct article usage
apply
highschoolers
. There are some sticking points regarding Correct your spelling
high schoolers
this
mandatory. Firstly
, the concern is that teenagers
will spend too much time on their social work
, meanwhile
they need their time for studying or playing with their friends. The next worry is the possibility of them being exploited because people think that they deserve not to be paid, Add a comma
meanwhile,
meanwhile
their job demands are overloaded. Another problem is there is a doubt that Add a comma
meanwhile,
workers
safety will be guaranteed in the Change noun form
workers'
worker's
work
of these social communities.
To conclude
, encouraging teenagers
to social work
is a good thing, but, if the goal is to make it something that must be done by young students is another point. There must be clear boundaries and rules that cannot be crossed in implementing
Wrong verb form
implemented
it
in Correct pronoun usage
apply
the
society so that bad risks can be avoided, including abuse of Correct article usage
apply
teenagers
rights in managing their time and ensuring their Change noun form
teenagers'
teenager's
work
safety.Submitted by syifanurul.maulani1 on
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task achievement
Clarify and support points with specific examples or detailed explanations. For instance, detail how social work can boost empathy or provide specific scenarios of potential exploitation in community service.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and use linking words or phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. This will enhance the logical flow within and between paragraphs.
language usage
Address minor grammar and punctuation errors. For example, 'boost' should be 'boosts', 'foster' should be 'fosters', capitalization of 'I', and 'workers safety' should be 'worker's safety'. These will improve clarity and professionalism in writing.
task achievement
You've done a great job of acknowledging both sides of the argument. This balanced approach shows critical thinking and an understanding of the complexities involved.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay. They provide a clear starting point and a thoughtful summary, respectively.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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