IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#fatherhood #motherhood #idea #women #babies #children
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Regarding the fact that we are living in the modern world, there are quite a few people make an effort to determine new profitable approaches to parenting issues.
Consequently
, a considerable number of people firmly state that fathership ought to get the same hype and attention as mothership,
while
 the other majority of people unanimously denounce and claim that motherhood is the most important and responsible side of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parenting. Personally, I hold the view that we should ponder over
this
 tender subject equally and properly. The following essay targets to support the mentioned statements above with appropriate reasons and examples.
Above all
, I would like to point out that mothers have always been portrayed
sacred
Change preposition
as sacred
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 and
holly
Correct your spelling
holy
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 throughout
the
Correct article usage
apply
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history.
In addition
, it is apparent that mothers carry babies in their womb for 9
month
Change to a plural noun
months
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,
therefore
 even after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
birth
Add a comma
birth,
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 there has always been a very strong bond between the offspring and the baby. Since females are more naturally caring and emotional, it is accepted by several nations that they should bring up
the
Change the word
their
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 all the time.
Secondly
, I have a great desire to mention that fathers have always been depicted as the money maker of the family and they only support the family
financial
Change the adjective
financially
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. Some of the fathers
also
 try to make a special emotional bond between them and their child, but
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
show examples
 they do not get the recognition that they deserve.
On the other hand
, we should take into for raising a fully developed individual both parents ought to have equal levels of responsibility. Miscrediting
Correct article usage
the fathers
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fathers
Change noun form
father's
fathers'
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 role is completely wrong and unacceptable, which can even lead to the birth and
raise
Wrong verb form
raising
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 of
unwanted
Add an article
an unwanted
the unwanted
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 child. All things considered, I am highly confident to state that fatherhood ought to get the same reputation and attention as motherhood and we should strike a balance between them.
Submitted by nigar.rza.2502 on

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relevant specific examples
Try to include more specific examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on further developing your main ideas and making them clearer. This can be achieved by dedicating more time to planning your essay before writing.
complete response
Ensure that all parts of the question are adequately addressed. Your essay could benefit from further discussion on how the imbalance in parenting roles impacts both children and society.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your arguments well.
logical structure
Your essay maintains a logical structure and flows reasonably well from one point to the next.
supported main points
You've made a good effort to cover the topic from different perspectives, which adds depth to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Equal Parenting
  • 2. Gender Roles
  • 3. Societal Expectations
  • 4. Emotional Well-being
  • 5. Psychological Development
  • 6. Legal Frameworks
  • 7. Workplace Policies
  • 8. Gender Equality
  • 9. Traditional Responsibilities
  • 10. Active Fatherhood
  • 11. Balanced Development
  • 12. Undue Burden
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