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Band 5

Many manufactured food and drinks contains high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Surgary products should be made more exspensive to encourage people to consume less sugar Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drinks #levels #sugar #health #surgary #products #exspensive #people
Nowadays, various food and
drinks
Fix the agreement mistake
drink
show examples
products
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not healthy
due to
sugar
 levels, in
Correct article usage
a consequences
show examples
consequences
Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
show examples
, many
people
suffers
Change the verb form
suffer
show examples
 many
health
 issues.
Thus
, to reduce the number of
people
 who
consumes
Correct subject-verb agreement
consume
show examples
sugar
, the
surgary
Correct your spelling
sugary
products
 should be more least affordable. I personally do not agree with
this
 statement
due to
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 following reasons below. The primary goal is to make
people
consumes
Change the verb form
consume
show examples
 healthier
foods
 and drinks to reduce the
sugar
 levels
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 awful for
health
. In my opinion,
the first step is
 to raise
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
community and social
awareness
 regarding
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the drawbacks
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
over-consumption
Correct article usage
the over-consumption
show examples
 of
sugar
. I believe as the
awareness
 started to increase,
people
 would value their
health
 better. The
soar
Replace the word
soaring
show examples
 of
sugar
 prices will not be a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 solution
within
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 issue if the main goal is not achieved. One
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example to boost
this
awareness
 is to
creates
Change the verb
create
show examples
 a campaign in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media to
lessening
Change the form of the verb
lessen
show examples
 the consumption of unhealthy manufactured
foods
 and drinks that have a high
level
 of
sugar
 by comparing the advantages and disadvantages of having a normal
level
 of
sugar
 and
over-
Correct article usage
an over-sugar
show examples
sugar
level
. The solutions could be concluded
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the campaign to
educates
Wrong verb form
educate
show examples
people
 to
consumes
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
 healthier dishes to
subtitute
Correct your spelling
substitute
 the surgary manufactured
products
.
Furthermore
, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
sugar
 prices will only offer a short-term solution as
sugar
 is one of the main ingredients
to cook
Change preposition
in cooking
show examples
 dishes and it will
brings
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 many households.
Therefore
, the government could assist by sorting out manufactured
products
 that
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 a danger
level
 of
sugar
 that could affect
people
's
health
.
In addition
, the
foods'
Change noun form
foods
show examples
 manufacturer
also
 need a corporate social responsibility (CSR) that would reduce any awful ingredients in their
products
. In
this
 way, consumers would feel more secure to purchase the
products
while
also
 protecting their
health
. The company would get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good branding in the eyes of society as well by applying
this
 method. In conclusion, the surge
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
sugar
 prices will affect many aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
, it will only offer a short-term solution in the
health
 sector. To reduce the consumption of
sugar
, it is crucial to raise
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness
developing
Change preposition
by developing
show examples
 a campaign program in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Moreover
, government and the
foods'
Change noun form
foods
show examples
manufacturer
Fix the agreement mistake
manufacturers
show examples
also
 play a key role
to sort
Change preposition
in sorting
show examples
 out the
products
 and to be a responsible business for the community.
Submitted by debbychrist10 on

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task achievement
You provided a clear and complete response to the task, addressing the prompt effectively. However, work on presenting clear and more comprehensive ideas in each paragraph. Sometimes it felt like ideas were repeated or not fully explored.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Currently, the examples are somewhat generic and could be further developed.
coherence cohesion
Focus on enhancing the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. While each paragraph had a clear purpose, the transitions between them could be smoother to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to support your main points with well-structured arguments. For example, when discussing raising awareness, elaborate more on how this could be effectively achieved and its long-term benefits.
introduction conclusion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, clearly stating your position and summarizing your main points.
supported main points
Your main points are relevant and address the task prompt. You have made a strong argument against raising the price of sugary products.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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