IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that in the present
technology
Use synonyms
 is being used to monitor what the users are saying and doing
such
Linking Words
 as tracking
people
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's position through their phones.
In my
Change preposition
My
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 opinion, I agree with the development bringing a lot of
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 in human life now, even though the phone
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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monitored
Wrong verb form
monitor
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people
Use synonyms
 from away. In developed countries like the USA, Japan, Korea, and others, many
people
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 use
home
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security
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technology
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 with cameras that are connected to their smartphones. It helps working parents
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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protect their homes
while
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 going to work. Another advantage for parents that use that
technology
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 with a nanny service to take care of their baby is feeling
quite
Correct your spelling
quiet
show examples
 to see them.
For example
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, my brother and his wife are working parents so they put a camera in front of the
home
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 gate, and living room to follow their house, so they
dodid
Correct your spelling
did
do did
 not need
security
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 to protect their
home
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while
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 they
arewere
Correct your spelling
were
 at work.
On the other hand
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, there is much news on the Internet that big smartphone companies can track individual information by using their systems.
However
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, using a smartphone can bring easy access to the users for many services.
For instance
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, the students can access their e-books through their phones and do not need to put
the
Correct article usage
apply
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many books in their
bag
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bags
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,
thus
Linking Words
, the children do not carry heavy loads and it does not damage their health.
To conclude
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,
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technology
Replace the word
technological
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 development solved many problems
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
 human life
such
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 as
home
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security
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 and easy access to many services on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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phone apps. Even though their movement is always monitored,
however
Linking Words
, many countries have already had a cyber
security
Use synonyms
 policy to escape that kind of problem.

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coherence cohesion
Try to clarify your main arguments more clearly in each paragraph. This will enhance the cohesiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on implementing more appropriate transitions and connectors between your points to improve the logical flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Avoid deviating from the central topic and try to align your examples more closely with your main arguments to achieve better task response.
task achievement
Make your conclusion more definitive by clearly summarizing the main points of your essay and stating your final standpoint in a straightforward manner.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which helps provide structure to your essay.
task achievement
Your examples, especially those involving personal anecdotes, effectively support the points being made.
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