Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Some
people
believe that in the present technology
is being used to monitor what the users are saying and doing such
as tracking people
's position through their phones. In my
opinion, I agree with the development bringing a lot of Change preposition
My
benefit
in human life now, even though the phone Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
monitored
Wrong verb form
monitor
people
from away.
In developed countries like the USA, Japan, Korea, and others, many people
use home
security
technology
with cameras that are connected to their smartphones. It helps working parents to
protect their homes Fix the infinitive
apply
while
going to work. Another advantage for parents that use that technology
with a nanny service to take care of their baby is feeling quite
to see them. Correct your spelling
quiet
For example
, my brother and his wife are working parents so they put a camera in front of the home
gate, and living room to follow their house, so they dodid
not need Correct your spelling
did
do did
security
to protect their home
while
they arewere
at work.
Correct your spelling
were
On the other hand
, there is much news on the Internet that big smartphone companies can track individual information by using their systems. However
, using a smartphone can bring easy access to the users for many services. For instance
, the students can access their e-books through their phones and do not need to put the
many books in their Correct article usage
apply
bag
, Fix the agreement mistake
bags
thus
, the children do not carry heavy loads and it does not damage their health.
To conclude
, technology
development solved many problems Replace the word
technological
around
human life Change preposition
in
such
as home
security
and easy access to many services on the
phone apps. Even though their movement is always monitored, Correct article usage
apply
however
, many countries have already had a cyber security
policy to escape that kind of problem.Submitted by daulet93mail.ru on
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coherence cohesion
Try to clarify your main arguments more clearly in each paragraph. This will enhance the cohesiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on implementing more appropriate transitions and connectors between your points to improve the logical flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Avoid deviating from the central topic and try to align your examples more closely with your main arguments to achieve better task response.
task achievement
Make your conclusion more definitive by clearly summarizing the main points of your essay and stating your final standpoint in a straightforward manner.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which helps provide structure to your essay.
task achievement
Your examples, especially those involving personal anecdotes, effectively support the points being made.