Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Young men are often forced to join military service after graduating from schools in many countries.
While
some people are optimistic about adopting this
system for females and every country, I disagree with this
, for it can raise a
possibility of war regardless of the growing need to increase national security in modern society.
On the one hand, imposing military service on young adults should be made obligatory since more countries have been threatened by hostile global relationships. Correct article usage
the
In other words
, wars are more likely to occur with increasing concerns for scarce resources on the Earth. For instance
, the severe shortage of natural resources such
as gas and oil has led to a number of conflicts between Russia and developed nations
including the United States and European nations
, which have resulted in the death of thousands of people in 2022. Consequently
, the young military force is demanded vehemently to tackle such
international conflicts. Furthermore
, the insufficiency of military training among the young can degrade the national power as a whole, which makes it more possible that a country will become under the control of other foreign authorities.
On the other hand
, military services that young males and females go through will raise the risks of war as they tend to use violence to suppress other countries. Indeed, the young will be well-prepared for battles in any circumstances where their rights are somehow invaded and relinquished by other nations
before they try to solve them in a peaceful manner. Instead
of military training made compulsory, they should learn sophisticated techniques of negotiation and communication to promote a better understanding of the problems and demands of each nation. As a result
, a sense of cooperation increases as they spend more time talking patiently to establish intimate relationships.
In conclusion, I am pessimistic about the view that every man and woman should be required to participate in military training because it can make war more likely as international tension rises. Rather than that, negotiation skills should be put more importance on, which will build more trust and cooperation across nations
.Submitted by mizuho on
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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure elaborate and expanded points on how compulsory military service could increase violence directly. Although you mentioned it succinctly, deeper exploration would make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using more signposting phrases (such as 'additionally,' 'moreover,' or 'consequently'). Also, try to make the transitions between examples and your main points a bit smoother.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction sets the stage well for your essay. It clearly states your stance on the issue.
supported main points
The essay presents relevant and specific examples, like the conflict between Russia and other developed nations, to support your points.
logical structure
Your arguments are logically structured, presenting both sides of the issue effectively.