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Band 5

Some parents give their children everything that their children ask for or allow them to do whatever they want to do. Is this good for children? What could be consequences for these children when they grow up?

#parents #children #consequences
It is true that nowadays some parents over spoiled their
children
, trying to provide the best for them and allow them to do anything they want
although
 it might be kind of bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. They might see these as a "love expression",
while
 it may lead to some consequences in the future when those kids become adults. At a young age, the systems of
value
Add an article
the value
show examples
 of
children
 haven't developed well, most of the
children
 cannot differentiate the things which are necessary or just for fulfilling their desire or what kind of
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 are suitable
in
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for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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specific occasions. During
this
 period, parents play an indispensable role
to educate
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in educating
show examples
 their kids.
However
, if fathers and mothers just
satisfied
Wrong verb form
satisfy
show examples
children
's requirements altogether, it might result in some negative effects when they grow up.
Due to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 experiences
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age,
children
 did not learn how to respect others when they were little.
Hence
, when they step
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 undergraduate education or start their careers, it might be difficult for them to accept others' ideas because they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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lacked
of
Remove the preposition
apply
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this
 kind of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
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 in the past.
Moreover
,
due to
 the uncultivated sense of fortune, they might face some difficulties
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 managing and distributing salary, without the ability, owning the accommodations or nurturing families will be almost impossible for them. In conclusion, it is crucial that parents should teach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 young age,
over
Change preposition
that
show examples
 spoiling may lead to some
negatives
Change the noun form
negative
show examples
 results in the future though it seems that kids were
satisfying
Wrong verb form
satisfied
show examples
 when they were young.
Submitted by aksoysana on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt and covers both parts of the question. However, your points could be further elaborated with more specific examples or evidence.
task achievement
Try to use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. This will also help you avoid repetitive phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. While you have a clear structure, some points could be connected more smoothly. Using transitional phrases can enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Provide more detailed support for your main points. This can include examples, anecdotes, or specific situations that illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the question directly and provides a thorough response, which shows good task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • indulgence
  • overindulgence
  • leniency
  • emotional resilience
  • rejection
  • entitlement
  • realistic expectations
  • self-regulated behavior
  • egocentric
  • financial management
  • professional relationships
  • collaboratively
  • criticism
  • appreciation
  • value
  • effort
What to do next:
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