IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care systems in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem to introduce more physical educational lesson in school curriculum. to what extent do u agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #systems #effort #lesson #school #curriculum
With the growing overweight
people
 population, leading the
health
 care systems under high stress, some individuals think adding some physical
education
 courses is the best
way
 to improve
this
 problem, I disagree with
this
 point to a large extent. There are several
reasons
 why I believe that introducing some related courses is not the best
way
. One of the
reasons
 is that family
education
 is the most important to lead
people
 to develop healthy eating habits;
for example
, if parents do not care about their kids'
health
 condition, even though kids learned some physical
health
 knowledge in school, they could not make
health
 diet by themselves.
Furthermore
, since there are many
reasons
 why
people
 are overweight, not only living habits, which could be improved by having classes but
also
 many genetic
reasons
, having a medical inspection to find the main reason for being overweight is necessary. Admittedly, some
people
 may argue that physical
education
 lesson is the most cost-effective
way
 to make
people
 know some ways to lose weight and keep healthy simply because there will
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 teachers to teach students some skills to cook
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet, how to live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an active life with gentle physical exercise.
However
, they forget the fact that
people
 get the knowledge about living healthy does not mean they will do
this
 in their real lives, and overweight
people
 cannot lose weight quickly by having classes to cut down the healthcare system's stress.
Overall
, I am certain that introducing the physical
education
 course is not the best
way
 to release the stress on the healthcare system, as living habits are hard to change and knowing the reason for being overweight is necessary.
Submitted by yihualuo525 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Expand your main points with more detailed examples. Providing specific, concrete examples to support your arguments would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by using transitional phrases. Linking ideas smoothly will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, making your position on the question evident.
coherence cohesion
The argument is logically structured with clear ideas presented in a rational manner.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing the pros and cons of the issue presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!