IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#era #information #computers #companies #organisations
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In contemporary society,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technologies are improving every day.
Furthermore
, the personal user's
information
 is kept inside the services by organizations and companies.
This
 way of storing has it is own pros and cons.
According to
 the benefits, the storage of client's
information
 can help companies to work faster and more effectively.
For example
, in earlier ages,
the
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medical
centers
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centres
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 needed to search for
client's
Fix the agreement mistake
clients'
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 data
in
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on
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 various campuses.
This
 kind of
searched
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search
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 took extremely long.
However
, now in clinics, all the
information
 about
patience
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patients
show examples
 is
storage
Replace the word
stored
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 in the digital cloud
that is
 one for every hospital. That technology helps doctors to find the history of diseases faster and to help humans.
Moreover
, there is no need to use notebooks or diaries because all the vital
information
 can be held
on
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in
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seventies
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the seventies
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 for a long time.
For instance
, banks have
the
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digital accounts that show clients all the history of the purchases that they made, the program counts their money for them.
However
, the disadvantage of these services is the possibility of leaking the essential data.
For example
, currently, there are a lot of hackers that can break into the digital cloud and collect
the
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information
 about bank accounts and many more.
To conclude
, the changes that
technological
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the technological
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 era does about
the
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storing
the
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information
 on computers have
its
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their
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 own advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, the benefits outweigh the cons,
due to
 the fact
of
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that
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 the changes in data storing our lives are more comfortable, the access
of
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to
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the
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apply
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personal
information
 is faster. 254 words
Submitted by angelbonita6 on

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grammar
Try to avoid minor grammar mistakes such as 'it is own' which should be 'its own'.
vocabulary
Include a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to improve language proficiency.
examples
Provide more detailed explanations and examples to better support your points.
structure
Clear introduction and conclusion that help in understanding the writer's stance.
examples
Relevant and specific examples are used to illustrate the points made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological era
  • personal information
  • service optimisation
  • tailored advertising
  • personalized services
  • data breaches
  • misuse of information
  • ethical implications
  • explicit consent
  • encryption
  • data protection
  • General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR)
  • security measures
  • legal framework
  • consumer awareness
  • data literacy
  • decentralization
  • blockchain technology
  • convenience
  • privacy
  • digital age
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