IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#era #information #computers #companies #organisations
In contemporary society,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technologies are improving every day.
Furthermore
, the personal user's
information
 is kept inside the services by organizations and companies.
This
 way of storing has it is own pros and cons.
According to
 the benefits, the storage of client's
information
 can help companies to work faster and more effectively.
For example
, in earlier ages,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 needed to search for
client's
Fix the agreement mistake
clients'
show examples
 data
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 various campuses.
This
 kind of
searched
Replace the word
search
show examples
 took extremely long.
However
, now in clinics, all the
information
 about
patience
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
show examples
 is
storage
Replace the word
stored
show examples
 in the digital cloud
that is
 one for every hospital. That technology helps doctors to find the history of diseases faster and to help humans.
Moreover
, there is no need to use notebooks or diaries because all the vital
information
 can be held
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
seventies
Change the article
the seventies
show examples
 for a long time.
For instance
, banks have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
digital accounts that show clients all the history of the purchases that they made, the program counts their money for them.
However
, the disadvantage of these services is the possibility of leaking the essential data.
For example
, currently, there are a lot of hackers that can break into the digital cloud and collect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information
 about bank accounts and many more.
To conclude
, the changes that
technological
Correct article usage
the technological
show examples
 era does about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
storing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information
 on computers have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, the benefits outweigh the cons,
due to
 the fact
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the changes in data storing our lives are more comfortable, the access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
information
 is faster. 254 words
Submitted by angelbonita6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Try to avoid minor grammar mistakes such as 'it is own' which should be 'its own'.
vocabulary
Include a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to improve language proficiency.
examples
Provide more detailed explanations and examples to better support your points.
structure
Clear introduction and conclusion that help in understanding the writer's stance.
examples
Relevant and specific examples are used to illustrate the points made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological era
  • personal information
  • service optimisation
  • tailored advertising
  • personalized services
  • data breaches
  • misuse of information
  • ethical implications
  • explicit consent
  • encryption
  • data protection
  • General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR)
  • security measures
  • legal framework
  • consumer awareness
  • data literacy
  • decentralization
  • blockchain technology
  • convenience
  • privacy
  • digital age
What to do next:
Look at other essays: