IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason #growth #society
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Correct your spelling
In
this
 fast-paced era standard of living has become high and
people
 are affected by
this
. In
this
 modern society humankind kind caused by obesity disease and for that several things are responsible.
This
 essay will discuss the cause and
also
 give
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to reduce
this
 matter in forthcoming paragraphs. To commence with,
people
 become highly fated
due to
 several reasons. First and the foremost reason behind
this
 variety of foods. To emphasize more on it, In
this
 time myriad of
food
 dishes are available in the market
as well as
people
 like to it in the restaurant and on the street. Resultantly,
this
 high celery and tasty
food
 makes them fatty.
Secondly
, technology nowadays become a skyscraper
due to
 the use of these modern amenities mankind become lazy and for any tiny task, they depend on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology.
For instance
,
according to
 one USA survey in the past
people
 did
work
 manually
due to
this
 their bodies were feet. In contrary, now
people
 use gadgets for each and every small
this
.
As a result
, obesity is increasing and they have many diseases in their bodies. There are numerous amount of solutions available to overcome
this
 problem.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 the first solution, Doing Exercise and taking a healthy diet improve
this
 condition. To explicate it clearly, healthy
food
 provides good protein and vitamins.
Moreover
, If one can do exercise on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis they can burn bad fat from their body and
make
Verb problem
put
show examples
 the body in proper shape.
Furthermore
,
people
 should take advice from the dietician to make their bodies healthy.
Additionally
, every person starts to their most of the
work
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own without taking help of the electronic items. To exemplify
this
, one Indian survey
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 the information that farmers and labour workers are healthier compared to other professional workers because they are doing hard
work
 in their daily lives and eat healthy
food
. To
agglomerating
Wrong verb form
agglomerate
show examples
 all the points elaborated more it can be concluded that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 technology and wrong eating habits make individual obese in
this
 time.
However
,
people
 can change
this
 by their inner motivation to live healthy lives by doing physical
work
 and proper diet.
Submitted by kaverigoti2209 on

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task achievement
Work on the grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to make the essay easier to read. Currently, there are quite a few grammatical errors that hinder the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
Use more specific and real-life examples to better illustrate your points. For instance, referring to studies or statistics can strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by linking ideas and paragraphs more clearly. Use transition words and phrases to connect different parts of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences in the paragraph support that central idea. This will make your points more convincing and your essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets up the essay nicely by outlining what will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear closing statement.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both causes and solutions, fulfilling the task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • genetics
  • nutritional awareness
  • processed foods
  • fast food
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative measures
  • tax incentives
  • urban planning
  • community gardens
  • wellness initiatives
  • dietary guidelines
  • physical fitness
  • calorie-dense
  • portion control
  • metabolic rate
  • health literacy
  • food deserts
  • work-life balance
  • junk food
  • BMI (Body Mass Index)
  • non-communicable diseases
  • food labeling
What to do next:
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