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Band 5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the cities is increasing. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#countries #world #people #cities #population #development
In many nations worldwide, rural residents are relocating themselves to
cities
, leading to a growing
increase
 in the
city
population
. In my opinion,
this
 could lead to the
over
Correct your spelling
overpopulation
show examples
population
 of
cities
 across the world, but could
also
 aid
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
 the living
conditions
 of these individuals.
Therefore
, I wish to state that
this
 is both a positive and negative development. To start off,
this
 transition from rural areas to the
cities
 could cause detrimental harm to the balance of
population
 in the
city
 areas. To my understanding,
this
 could
then
 lead to issues
such
 as
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in the poverty lines, insufficient housing, and
also
 the underdevelopment of the countryside. To
further
emphasis
Replace the word
emphasise
show examples
this
, it was seen that during the year 2004, Mumbai saw a dramatic
increase
 in
population
due to
 individuals relocating from rural regions, which has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to a 2.5%
increase
 in the poverty line of the
city
.
Furthermore
, there has been a significant decrease in the housing options for locals in Barcelona,
due to
 the transition of
people
 from districts
such
 as Valencia and Sevilla in the year 2011.
Hence
, up to an extent, I believe that
this
 relocation from the countryside
maybe
Correct your spelling
may be
show examples
 a negative development.
However
,
this
 change of location could contribute to improving the living
conditions
 of these
people
.
According to
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my view,
this
 shift to
city
 spaces could help in providing
people
 with better career opportunities, improved housing
conditions
 and
also
 provide better education facilities
such
 as universities for the younger
population
. To elaborate
further
, it was seen that when compared to
cities
such
 as Yorkshire, London provided its citizens with a myriad of career opportunities in the years 2019 and 2020.
Similarly
, it was seen that rising football star Lamine Yamal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 gained his moment in the limelight once moving to the bustling
city
 of Barcelona from his home town Mataro. In conclusion,
this
 development could lead to the overpopulation of
cities
 globally,
while
also
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 enhance the living
conditions
 of
people
.
Submitted by dinaka0001 on

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task response
In your introduction, you clearly state that the development has both positive and negative aspects. However, you could improve by slightly refining the thesis to mention how you will evaluate these aspects. This will guide the reader better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas. For example, words like 'additionally', 'moreover', or 'in contrast' could strengthen the coherence of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some of your sentences could be more concise for clarity. For instance, '...which has led to a 2.5% increase in the poverty line of the city' can be simplified to '...leading to a 2.5% rise in the city's poverty rate.'
task response
Your use of specific examples like Mumbai and Barcelona illustrates your points well and strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulate the main ideas effectively.
task response
You did a good job of maintaining a balanced view by outlining both the positive and negative aspects of the topic, which demonstrates a strong understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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