IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Older people choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals up in years decide to invest wealth
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their personal needs rather than collect money for their youngsters after retirement.
However
Linking Words
, as far as I am concerned,
this
Linking Words
 approach does not facilitate the growth and development of their
offspring’s
Change noun form
offspring
show examples
, nor the optimum base of skills required to thrive in their future chosen career,
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of financial savings that could have been allocated for an easier path to success of their descendants. Needless to say, the children would not be able to have access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first-rate education programs.
Also
Linking Words
, without the parents’ appropriate contributions, it’s harder for the child to figure out what their interests, talents and passions are. It cannot be denied that some people think of
this
Linking Words
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 to be healthy and right-minded, considering that the elderly worked hard for their capital and would rather relax,
loosen
Correct word choice
and loosen
show examples
 up, by spending on their necessities,
for
Linking Words
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 a holiday in Cyprus. Despite their judgement on the issue, it’s beyond any doubt a selfish and egoistic attitude.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 idea of placing their wants and needs on top of their son’s or daughter’s is very much going to have a poor effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their forthcoming adulthood.
While
Linking Words
 it is undeniably wrong to have a mindset
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
 the one discussed in the topic, I obviously agree with travelling and enjoying the monetary outcomes of working.
For instance
Linking Words
, a trip to hidden and unknown places or at sea, because taking some time for yourself is of course super significant and primary.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, taking a break once in a
while
Linking Words
 is beneficial and valid,
although
Linking Words
 parents investing in their comfort and not in the future success of their child, is definitely not an example to follow. In conclusion, I strongly disagree with mature people not
willing
Add a missing verb
being willing
show examples
 to accumulate finances for the proper education,
fact
Add an article
the fact
a fact
show examples
 that might cause unravelling the physical and mental potential,
as well as
Linking Words
 interests of their offspring, but rather spending it all on their desires.
As a result
Linking Words
 of their ignorance, the child may be faced with different sorts of impediments.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction presents a clear stance on the topic, but it could be more concise. Consider removing or rephrasing sentences with complex structures that might confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and is coherent. Your second paragraph touches on multiple ideas which might dilute its impact. Stick to one central idea per paragraph for better coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words more consistently to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. This can make your essay easier to follow and more structured.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance, and reinforces your main points clearly.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt directly and provides a well-rounded discussion of both sides of the argument, showing a strong understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You employ a range of vocabulary and expressions, which enhances the readability and engagement of your essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: