Nowadays, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before. In order to become integrated into society in their adopted countries, immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local custom and codes of behavior. Do you agree or disagree ?

Recently, lots of
people
from around the world have moved to other countries
due to
working
studying
Correct word choice
and studying
show examples
. Personal
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
, perspective and
culture
from their own country are the most important for living abroad. Some
people
think that immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local
custom
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customs
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and codes of
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
. In my opinion, I tend to agree with
this
statement since it will be easier if
prople
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people
can
adape
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adapt
themselves
for
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to
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different
Add an article
a different
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culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
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,
also
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and also
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allow them
open
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to open
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more
oppotunities
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opportunities
in aboard.
Although
,
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apply
show examples
some
people
believe that immigrants should
abandone
Correct your spelling
abandon
their
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
, some good
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
should be used
continuely
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continually
continuously
as it is good for other
people
and
new
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the new
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community.
For example
in Thailand, everyone
have
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has
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to take off their shoes before
get
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getting
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in the house as they believe that good for hygiene,
also
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will keep
house
Correct article usage
the house
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cleaning
Replace the word
clean
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from
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of
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dirty things.
Thus
, some good
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
should not
using
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use
be using
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it. Certainly, every
countries
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country
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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own
culture
which is hard for some
people
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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not
grow
Wrong verb form
grown
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up
int
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in
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the area.
However
, it is hard to fit
in
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into
show examples
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
culture
and get
along with
local
people
but if they try to put themselves in the new community, it will open more
oppotunities
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opportunities
centainly
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certainly
.
For instance
, local
people
will accept them and they can be a part of
community
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the community
a community
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and
more enjoyable
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enjoy
show examples
with new world.
To sum up
, Some
people
think that immigrants should abandon their own
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
since they should adapt themselves
for
Change preposition
to
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new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
country that they will live in.
In contrast
, some good
behavior
shoud
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should
not abandon.
Submitted by pasineekhanpakdee on

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general
Work on grammatical accuracy and vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and avoid confusion.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph effectively supports your main argument. Your second body paragraph, for instance, could present additional points on the benefits of adopting local customs more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Structure your essay more logically. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure each one elaborates on the point coherently.
task achievement
Address counterarguments or consider multiple perspectives to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you use linking words and cohesive devices properly to help your essay flow smoothly.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the topic and make an attempt to support it with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a complete feel.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • immigrants
  • integrated
  • adapt
  • customs
  • codes of behavior
  • social integration
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • estranged
  • mutual respect
  • harmoniously
  • assimilation
  • multicultural environment
  • inclusivity
  • diversity
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