IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before. In order to become integrated into society in their adopted countries, immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local custom and codes of behavior. Do you agree or disagree ?

#people #countries #society #immigrants #custom #codes #behavior
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Recently, lots of
people
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 from around the world have moved to other countries
due to
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 working
studying
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and studying
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. Personal
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behavior
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behaviour
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, perspective and
culture
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 from their own country are the most important for living abroad. Some
people
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 think that immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local
custom
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customs
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 and codes of
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behavior
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behaviour
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. In my opinion, I tend to agree with
this
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 statement since it will be easier if
prople
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people
 can
adape
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adapt
 themselves
for
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to
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different
Add an article
a different
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culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
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,
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also
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and also
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 allow them
open
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to open
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 more
oppotunities
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opportunities
 in aboard.
Although
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,
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apply
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 some
people
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 believe that immigrants should
abandone
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abandon
 their
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behavior
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behaviour
show examples
, some good
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behavior
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behaviour
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 should be used
continuely
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continually
continuously
 as it is good for other
people
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 and
new
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the new
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 community.
For example
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 in Thailand, everyone
have
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has
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 to take off their shoes before
get
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getting
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 in the house as they believe that good for hygiene,
also
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it
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apply
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will keep
house
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the house
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cleaning
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clean
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from
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of
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 dirty things.
Thus
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, some good
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behavior
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behaviour
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 should not
using
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use
be using
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 it. Certainly, every
countries
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country
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 own
culture
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 which is hard for some
people
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whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 not
grow
Wrong verb form
grown
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 up
int
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in
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 the area.
However
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, it is hard to fit
in
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into
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new
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a new
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culture
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 and get
along with
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 local
people
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 but if they try to put themselves in the new community, it will open more
oppotunities
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opportunities
centainly
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certainly
.
For instance
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, local
people
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 will accept them and they can be a part of
community
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the community
a community
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 and
more enjoyable
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enjoy
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 with new world.
To sum up
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, Some
people
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 think that immigrants should abandon their own
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 since they should adapt themselves
for
Change preposition
to
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new
Add an article
a new
the new
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 country that they will live in.
In contrast
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, some good
behavior
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shoud
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should
 not abandon.
Submitted by pasineekhanpakdee on

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general
Work on grammatical accuracy and vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and avoid confusion.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph effectively supports your main argument. Your second body paragraph, for instance, could present additional points on the benefits of adopting local customs more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Structure your essay more logically. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure each one elaborates on the point coherently.
task achievement
Address counterarguments or consider multiple perspectives to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you use linking words and cohesive devices properly to help your essay flow smoothly.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the topic and make an attempt to support it with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a complete feel.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • immigrants
  • integrated
  • adapt
  • customs
  • codes of behavior
  • social integration
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • estranged
  • mutual respect
  • harmoniously
  • assimilation
  • multicultural environment
  • inclusivity
  • diversity
What to do next:
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