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Band 5.5

In some countries an increasing number of people r of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #people #r #health #food #governments #tax
Countries all over the world deal with mass consumption of fast food. The growth of the number of
people
 who have health issues
as a result
 of a poor diet is concerning the authorities to the point where they feel the need to take measures regarding the matter. Some
people
 might stand up and straight saying that the government should not raise any tax and that they should let
people
 decide on their own what they want to do with their bodies.
For example
, a couple of
people
 are hard-headed and trying to change their habits by arranging their surroundings is like going down a rabbit hole, it is always
dead
Add an article
a dead
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 end. For that kind of
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
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individuals
Add a comma
individuals,
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 the details are not important as long as they reach the set goal so even if the tax
of
Change preposition
on
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 fast food is through the roof, they would still be willing to pay the price if they can have what they want. Other
people
 could share the opinion that the law enforcers should make other types of alternations for the good of the nation, aiming to reduce the consumption of unhealthy products. With
this
 goal in mind, the administration could emit some sort of law that the lunch break should be extended to at least an hour and a half per person.
This
 way the employees would have to make turns so even though the
lunch time
Correct your spelling
lunchtime
show examples
 would consist of
tree
Correct your spelling
three
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 hours, the company will be working the whole day
due to
 the turns being changed and every employee will have the time to have a
propper
Correct your spelling
proper
show examples
 meal as opposed to having to grab a hurried meal. In my opinion, there are other ways of making
people
 choose a healthy lifestyle rather than making the tempting one more expensive.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Strengthen your examples with more detail and relevance to support your points. For instance, rather than just mentioning 'a couple of people,' provide specific instances or hypothetical scenarios that better illustrate your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph clearly connects to the central thesis. For example, the introduction could clearly state that you'll discuss both sides of the argument before presenting your own view.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive statements and ensure your main points are always connected back to the topic question. This will help make your essay more coherent and cohesive.
task achievement
Good job introducing both viewpoints on the issue of taxing fast food. This adds balance to your essay.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear conclusion where you present your own viewpoint, which helps to tie your discussion together well.
coherence cohesion
You use appropriate linking words and phrases that help maintain the flow of the essay, such as 'For example,' 'In my opinion,' and 'Other people could share the opinion.'

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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