IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some parents purchase their kids a large number of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having large numbers of toys.

#parents #purchase #kids #toys #child #numbers
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Some parents buy their
children
Use synonyms
 a large number of
toys
Use synonyms
 to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having large numbers of
toys
Use synonyms
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 Some people allow
to
Change preposition
apply
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their
children
Use synonyms
 to buy all
Use synonyms
toys
Correct article usage
the toys
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 they want.
While
Linking Words
 various playthings can stimulate creativity and imagination in kids, I believe that they result in
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 materialism. The main advantage of having
myriad
Add an article
a myriad
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 of
toys
Use synonyms
 is that they can help to raise
baby’s
Correct article usage
a baby’s
show examples
 creativity. Because
children
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 always developing by games.
For instance
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,
toys
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 with small sufficient items can improve fine and gross motor skills by touching and feeling
their’s
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their
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 shape,
form
Correct word choice
and form
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. Despite
this
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, I think it may raise
possibility
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the possibility
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 of being
materialist
Add an article
a materialist
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. By permitting
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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 buy every toy that
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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, parents may
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not notice how their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
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 or themselves become consumers with numerous clutter of playthings.
This
Linking Words
 thing leads to materialism
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can be
continual
Add an article
a continual
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 problem. By buying everything
children
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 may lose
value
Add an article
the value
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 of each toy.
Furthermore
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, it
Change the verb form
results
show examples
result
Add the preposition
result in
result from
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 attention deficit disorder and
Correct article usage
the child
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child
Change noun form
child's
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lose
Replace the word
loss
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focus
Change preposition
of focus
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.
For example
Linking Words
, it is estimated by psychologists that people with clutter of
object
Fix the agreement mistake
objects
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 become consumers who even don’t appreciate the things they have. In conclusion,
although
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 different
toys
Use synonyms
 can aid
children
Use synonyms
’s creativity and imagination improving their skills, they
also
Linking Words
proceed
Verb problem
face
show examples
 the issues of consumerism and materialism from a young age
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
In your introduction, ensure clarity by rephrasing ‘While various playthings...'. It's slightly awkward and could be more fluid.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next one. Currently, some transitions feel a bit abrupt.
coherence cohesion
Consolidate your ideas more clearly within each paragraph. Some points appear scattered and could benefit from clearer elaboration and connection to the main argument.
task achievement
Work on refining sentence structures to avoid minor grammatical mistakes and to ensure clarity. For example, “myriad of toys” can be “a myriad of toys” and “may did not notice” should be “may not notice”.
task achievement
The essay clearly identifies both the potential positives and negatives of children having many toys, showing a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Including psychological insights about consumer behavior effectively supported your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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