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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #show #percentages #men #women #employment #three #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The graphs given illustrate the percentages of male and female employment in Canada, South
Korea
Use synonyms
, and
Sweden
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 in 2005 and 2015. There
are
Change the verb form
is
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 a link between the two graphs, but it is not consistent.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in Canada, the percentage of women employees started at about 38
percent
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 in 2005
,
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apply
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 and ended at nearly 55
percent
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.
The
Correct article usage
A
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simmilar
Correct your spelling
similar
 thing happened in South
Korea
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 and
Sweden
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. In South
Korea
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, it started at 30
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percent
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per cent
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 in 2005, and
then
Linking Words
 it rose to approximately 35
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015.
Then
Linking Words
, in
Use synonyms
Sweden
Add a comma
Sweden,
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 it started at about 45
percent
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 in 2005 and ended 10 years later at 50
percent
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. For the male employees, in
Sweden
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, it started at about 78
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 in 2005, but in the next 10
years
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years,
show examples
 it dropped to 70
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
, in South
Korea
Use synonyms
, it started at nearly 75
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2005, and
then
Linking Words
 it rose to approximately 78
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015.
Lastly
Linking Words
, in Canada, it started at nearly 60
percent
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 in 2005
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and rose to 70
percent
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 in 2015. In conclusion, there is a link
for
Change preposition
between
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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female
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
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, but there is
also
Linking Words
 inconsistency in male
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
show examples
 as the rate in
Sweden
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 dropped, but in the two other
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 it rose.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words korea, sweden, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentages" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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