In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the cities is increasing. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
In these
days, a lot of Change preposition
These
people
who live in Correct article usage
the countrysides
countrysides
are moving to cities and Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
population
in the cities Correct article usage
the population
keep
increasing. Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
This
phenomenon was revealed as serious
Correct article usage
a serious
society
problem in the news. And I Replace the word
societal
also
think this
is negative for the nation.
First,
people
's lives can become more tough because of increasing
population in Correct article usage
the increasing
city
place. The size of Correct article usage
the city
city
Add an article
the city
area
is very small compared to countryside
. Add an article
the countryside
However
, as citizens are
keep coming to Unnecessary verb
apply
city
and the population is getting higher, Add an article
the city
then
the houses price
will go upper and Fix the agreement mistake
house prices
people
will have a
hardship Change the article
the
to look
for their living. Many 20s generation Change preposition
in looking
people
are coming to city
for the job but they don't have much money to live in Add an article
the city
apartment
. So the sad reality is they have to live underground room.
Add an article
an apartment
the apartment
Second,
if most of the people
who lives
in rural Change the verb form
live
area
move to the Fix the agreement mistake
areas
city
, then
there is no one who helps agriculture work, such
as planting and harvesting. And this
will impact very negatively to
Change preposition
on
food
system. Add an article
the food
Human
Fix the agreement mistake
Humans
needs
to eat rice and other kinds of food like fish or fruit. But if whole young generations move to the Correct subject-verb agreement
need
city
and only old adults are left in rural area
, Fix the agreement mistake
areas
speed
and quality of their work will get very bad. They need descendants who keep doing Correct article usage
the speed
this
work at
the Change preposition
in
countryside
.
In conclusion, there is a negative impact with
Change preposition
of
this
phenomenon, which is people
will suffer for searching for their living and there will be a problem with food
system because of Correct article usage
the food
lack
of workers in the Correct article usage
the lack
countryside
. I think the tendency that young people
want to live in the city
is very natural. However
Add a comma
However,
that
reason is the gap between urban Correct determiner usage
the
city
and rural Fix the agreement mistake
cities
area
is too big. The quality of education, facilities and service in the Fix the agreement mistake
areas
city
is way higher than other
areas. So if the government try to change and develop Change preposition
in other
countryside
more, Correct article usage
the countryside
then
the moving rate will decrease.Submitted by starmino0113 on
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task achievement
Your essay presents some relevant arguments and examples. However, the overall response lacks depth and clarity in some parts. Try to expand on your points and provide more detailed explanations to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay could be improved. Some of the transitions between ideas are not very smooth, and there are instances where the flow of information could be more coherent. Consider using more transitional phrases and organizing your ideas in a more logical sequence.
grammatical accuracy
There are grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout your essay. It would be beneficial to proofread your work or have someone else review it for you. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, proper tense usage, and overall sentence structure.
introduction conclusion
While you have an introduction and a conclusion, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion more impactful. Try starting with a hook that grabs the reader's attention and ending with a strong closing statement that reinforces your main argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant specific examples to support your main points, which helps illustrate your arguments effectively.
introduction conclusion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, which shows an understanding of essay structure.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example